Monday, September 21, 2009

A week

Wow, almost a week has past.

I honestly don't know where to start here. I'm... well, I've fallen off the bandwagon I want to be on so desperately. My binge-eating is stupidly out of control, and I don't even have the will to stop it any more. My only solace in the last week has been these last few days that I've been surviving on oatmeal and soup due to a progressive head/chest/sinus cold.

Still, my excuses are weak and I'm not even just "thinking" I look fat, I can pinch new bulges, feel new jiggle... and I just start thinking about everything else I need to do, all my other commitments to real, live people, and all my other hate and issues... and I just break down. I watch movies, or draw, or chat. Or eat, obviously. Hopefully after I get better from this stupid cold I'll be able to think clearly again... but that's not even a good excuse is it? I'm sick. Boo-hoo. We're all sick. Some of you are just stronger.

I sincerely remember this morning my first thought being: "Fuck, I wish I was Ana."

I'm so so done with this greyscale shit. No one understands... you just can't STOP hating yourself or stop believing that you're worthless. You can't wake up in the morning and think, "DAMN, I am FINE and I am AMAZING." when you have been waking up for the last two years thinking, "Another day, another waste of space (that's growing... and growing)." I can't stop swinging between the knife, fasting, and shoving food down my throat to ease it.

And that is so pathetic.

I need control again. I need it here so I can stop procrastinating my school work, so I can stop stalling my life. Ramble ramble ramble.

I'll be good, I promise. I might even fast tomorrow. But I doubt it.

Also - how am I dealing with the girl who knows? I'm not. Seems to be working out just fine as long as she doesn't go squealing to a teacher. Who would believe her anyways? Nah. No one.


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