Friday, September 4, 2009


Today started out OK. I picked a great outfit, hair worked out, homework done and understood - so off to school I go. I don't know where it went wrong. As the day progressed I got this sinking, profound feeling of invisibility... like no one, none of my teachers or friends even noticed I was there. Words, terms were being thrown around that I had no clue what to do with. I couldn't focus on my essays, I was too busy trying to make conversation. I walked into some guy, made a total fool of myself, because I was staring at this girl (one of those people you see and say- If she isn't anorexic, then I'm not human) and her pin legs.

By the end of the day, in English, this girl who broke my heart last year (she was part of that big scandal with me and that immature asshole from NS) walked in and the teacher couldn't stop PUKING up compliments because she wasn't wearing makeup. Fuck. It was like, I feel like shit and now this girl who beat me out and screwed me over without even a word is getting rubbed in my face by the one teacher who's respect I need to earn most. SHE'S BETTER THAN YOU, AND SHE ALWAYS WILL BE. Thinner, more interesting, smarter, edgier... wanted.

So, then, I went to auditions as the assistant to a girl who has no experience in a field I am expert in. I had no purpose to be there other than to pass out scripts. Graduates visited and asked where I was while I was standing in front of them. The director forgot to introduce me. I wasn't invited to a party many of my friends were going to - their reason? We thought you'd be working! Sorry *sadface*. So, I just said, "Don't worry, I have things to do - thanks anyways *smiles*".

I came home and ate, and ate, and ate. Then, I laid down, clutching a pearing knife, and watched tv with a death grip for hours. I didn't cut, but I wanted to.

My friend, the one who's sister is ana, the one who I have given the most of myself to ever said goodbye tonight - he's leaving for university. I'm not good with goodbyes. I should have been crying, showing him how much he means to me. Instead it was a "good luck, love you" and hug. Pathetic and robotic.

I'm usually the person saying, "tomorrow is another day". But I feel like, "Tomorrow is just another today, and you'll be just the same - worthless, invisible, stupid, and fat."

I'm tired of this whining, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of the hate and pain. I just want someone to tell me, genuinely, that I am... I don't know. That I can do it. That I am beautiful. That I am worth it. That they want me.

But, I know I'd just smile and think: "Why are they lying to me?"


Rena said...

I'm not sure what I can say to make you feel better.

Just that sometimes, I feel the same way.

It's just a mundane routine, isn't it?

However, it's temporary.

You can do this!

Stay strong,

Ana's Girl said...

Aww hunny, i've been exactly where you are. I'm sorry you feel invisible, unwanted, unbeautiful, and unable to do it. I want you to know that i'm not lying when i say you are wanted and beautiful and you CAN do it! I love you, sweetheart, and i haven't even officially met you, so i'm sure the people who have love you even more. I'm the same way with goodbyes... very few people have seen me cry. It just doesn't happen often. I guess that's why i cut. Gotta get some kinda liquid out of my body to deal with the pain i suppose. Stupid, huh? Anyway, i hope you feel better soon. Much love! *hugs*

heebeejebus! said...

I've felt like this so many times. I don't know if I have a hard time connecting with people, or if people just don't want to connect with me. But I think EVERYONE, even the people who seem soooo perfect, all feel invisible, unwanted and worthless at times.

'Winnie said...

I feel like this too, and I'm going to tell you this..
I don't know you and probably have no right to say this but you are a genuine person, don't let anything get you down because whatever you want you deserve to have it.
Don't believe that other girls are better than you, everyone has their faults.
You are a lovely, beautiful person.
And why would I lie to you?
Believe in yourself <3

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