Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Absolutes can not exist

My morning indulgences didn't help, nor did carrying the blade around all day close to my heart - I mean that literally, I stuck it in my bra. The day got progressively more and more... well, honestly neutral. I wouldn't allow myself to get stressed, I released it all. I also wouldn't allow myself to be without the fixation on perfection, on the future, or on food.

Biology was good because I read ahead and understood what was going on. Social studies was beyond productive, which made me extremely happy and optimistic - optimistic enough to buy a blueberry scone for lunch. Wonderful /sarcasm. At lunch, I bounced around chatting with an outcast, a gay guy, and a special-ed kid. During my spare, I couldn't focus on anything besides facebook and started to get scared. English was composed of moderately productive banter and copy/pasting from websites.

Ran home, avoided, then gave in to, the urge to eat.

Spent the evening staring at my massive school-related to-do-list, dreaming about my substantial weight-loss + fitness goals (btw, I'm at 142 still), and wishing for someone to tell me what to do about my life.

And now, I'm frustrated and realizing the time I wasted despite all the stress and annoyance with my work. It is at this point I realise it would all be okay if I didn't come home and binge, or if I didn't buy that stupid scone. At least I would have my body-sanity. At least I would be getting better at something.

But no. I screw it up for myself. I need to get back on track so badly.

Blah blah blah, it's all been posted before. I just wish I could move away from the grey area. Even dark-grey would be nice.


Fleur said...

Ana is a wonderful lier, don't you think? we believe that starving ourselves to be thin shows we're in control... but actually it switches and we're controlled by it. and then cuz we're not controlling the standard, we'll never be good enough. it's just not fair! i'm sorry your day was so neutral, i guess at least it wasn't bad! things will get better soon for you, just keep a level head :) lotsa love!

Lola said...

Thank you so much for the comment on my blog! It really brought a smile on my face! I want the perfectionism to come so badly, but we just have to be patient! I think we are in similar situations.

With love,

Lola <3

Lola said...

I just realized we are both taurus-es! Maybe that is why we are so similar?

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