Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Blind Faith

Sorry I missed post yesterday; it was an extremely hectic day. On 4hours of sleep I went to school, worked for 6 hours, then stayed up until 2:30am working on this idiotic (but interesting) english project. If you're interested in Critical Race/Gender/Class theory, you can check it out (DON'T COMMENT please... haha) The Treasure Box. The "treasure-box" is a long running joke in my AP class relating to religious innuendo. Good fun.

Anyways, I've been doing really good with my eating, keeping it under 1000. I'm back down to 143ilbs, which is exciting considering when I got back from Nova Scotia I was a disgusting 150. Obviously it was mostly undigested food + water weight, but still. We were talking about eating disorders and their relationship to hormone secretion in the body in Bio30 yesterday. It's a strange sensation to be talking so essentially, or in a sense of black and white, and biologically about something that is so personal for me. I was the only one who could answer the question: What is the danger when your body has depleted it's fat stores?

Speaking of which - I made an idiotic mistake and left my profile as-is for about half an hour yesterday when I signed on as a contributor to this project-blog. What does that? If my partner (or teacher) had clicked on my profile out of curiosity, this blog would have come up. So... good thing I noticed that! Jesus. ALSO the girl-who-knows was at school yesterday. Talk about awkward.

I conversation crossed my mind yesterday that I forgot to mention. It was between my cousin and my aunt. They were looking at school pictures and my size4 cousin points out that in one she looks fat. My aunt, a professor in aboriginal and womans studies, flipped out saying that it was media talking and how she had to respect herself blah blah blah. She finished off with saying: "I thought you were smarter than that."

She's a professor at the university I want to apply for.


It just made me think about my extended family again, and how little they actually know me. More disturbingly, I realised how disappointed they would be if they found out. What kind of person would I be to my 13 younger cousins? It made me sick. I went for a run.

As with many of you, I have an issue with being wanted and loved. Not only did this shake that feeling inside, I also started to think about love. The saying, "In order to love another, and have someone love you, you have to love yourself" is infuriating to me.

Until someone loves me, until I proof that I am worth love, how can I love myself? Blind faith? Should I believe in God just because, in the end, it might pay off for me? Should I stop studying and start partying and drinking just because, in the end, I'll have had fun? Should I stop searching for my own personal worth, for my own fulfillment in hope that, someday, it'll all fall in to place?

Anyways, off to school. I'm looking forward to sleep tonight. Sorry I'm skimping on pictures lately.


Fleur said...

I'm not sure where you stand on religion, but what you said about love reminded me of something a friend once told me. he said that we can't fully love until we feel loved, which is the opposite of most theories. but only when i realise how much jesus loves me, can i learn what perfect love is and make it available to others. kinda made sense to me cuz tho i don't love me, i love others, which is apparently impossible. i hate how people think people with eds are stupid... i hope u catch up on sleep soon!

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