Monday, September 7, 2009

It's like I'm lost

I have less than 4 hours to write 2 essays, clean, do laundry, study and not eat. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I procrastinate like a pro, but these really essays matter. Part of the reason I'm having such an issue with them is because I keep trying to think of a better way to write. Something more sophisticated, earth-shatteringly brilliant, original, but somehow it's just not coming to me. I have such an issue handing things in that aren't 110%, and in a class were everyone is always at 110%, I feel like the stupid-one. How ridiculous is that? It's only 2 weeks in and I'm already the stupid one.

Today, my fasting failed but only because I accepted that I had only got 2 hours of sleep, and that I needed to be productive today (and I haven't really yet, imagine that). Still at a solid 143. Ugh. Need to get this off.

On a side note (the happiest part of my day so far), I did some power shopping at the mall and local thrift store - spent a whole 60$ on 4 belts (waist cinchers), 2tops, 2 tanks, a scarf and a magazine + chocolate face mask. Now that is impressive. I love shopping too much. I'm glad I have money now, because I feel a little better in good clothes.

Like, 10 minutes ago, I got this insane, strong sensation to go on facebook and write a note entitled - "I have an eating disorder. I'm sorry." and tag everyone. Just get it out there. Not for attention, not for treatment - unless they want to give me appetite suppressants or something haha -... but just so I can stop hiding. I have so many secrets, so many walls around my heart, I feel so inhuman. I just want this thing in the open so people can understand that I'm not a bitch, or a robot - that I feel and I hurt and I can't show anyone.

Of course I won't do that. Ever.

Strange thing is, I had the same sensation while writing my letter to my English teacher. "Oh, by the way, a big part of my identity and my perspective on life is my undiagnosed eating disorder. Suprised? You shouldn't be! I am a classic case. " Talk about shit hitting the fan, huh? I don't know, has anyone else ever had that urge to just tell someone, anyone/everyone and suffer the consequences?

It also reminded me that I admitted to the fact - I have an eating disorder. I forget that sometimes. "I'm not some stupid, model-obsessed girl who wants attention - I'm just fat and doing things to change that! Oh wait..."

It's like I'm lost between all these forces of my personality that are constantly pulling at me. Maybe that's why I can't ever focus on anything, or commit myself to anyone - my brain couldn't handle it.

Sometimes, I really wish I was a crack addict. Or mia. Or a smoker. Or that I just didn't care about school. Or that I had a real talent in the arts that I could make a career out of. Instead, I'm just kind of decent at managing things, and PR. I'm a goody-two-shoes who hasn't puffed a puff ever. It's irritating.

Today, I contemplated my future and saw a black hole. Nothing.

Started my period today too - I remember at one point I was so thin I stopped that - so that explains my major mood swings/ bloating/ chocolate cravings. Doesn't excuse it though. Still fasting tomorrow.

Now only 3 hours to complete. FUCK.


Ana's Girl said...

Aww, i'm sure no one thinks you're stupid. You'll do great on those essays. Sometimes the ones we put off the longest are the ones we work the hardest on, turning them into the best ones :)
I understand how you want to just tell everyone already. I've felt that way many times, but i know i can't because then they'd all be like EAT! and make me eat more than a normal person ever would. It's exhausting trying to hide it, but it has to be done. Stay strong, love.
I'm frustrated by my goodie-goodie-ness too... I'm not sure why that's frustrating. Shouldn't we be proud? But i'm not. I hate it, and yet, i don't wanna go be a bad person. Aaahh! It makes no sense!

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