That Much Stronger

Today was one of those days that, under normal circumstances, should have made me lose it. Binge all-night, have major anxiety attacks, cut...

In Bio, first thing, I got my unit test mark back - 96% on multiple choice, 100% on numeric response, 75% on written. So, ok. Didn't do so hot on written, but it worked out to an over all average of 90%, and that's hella amazing for bio! Stoked, revitalized by Godiva coffee (3hrs of sleep = 3 cups, I figure haha), and aware enough to begin to comprehend the endocrine system, I feel my mood rise and my stress about the rush-job english project disperse.

Then, the bomb. Social studies is my thing, ok. I'm talking lowest assignment/quiz marks being in the 80s. Grade 10 = 95%, Grade 11 = 93%. I got my unit one test back that I wrote yesterday. 66%. My heart skipped a beat. I wanted to cry and scream and run and cut. Oh, I wanted so badly to cut. The teacher said that our honors class average on this test was 52%. No one got it, obviously. Something isn't clicking in the class. I barely heard her, but the excuse stands. Devastated, I spent a good 15mins staring at the wall. Thankfully, my teacher, bless her personality and not educational prowess, noticed and pulled me aside after class and offered a bonus project in order to up the mark. At this point, anything closer to my 90% is icing. Still, even after that, I was in shock, awe, and numbness.

The day then constituted me trying to, a) focus on finishing my English project, b) doing vast amounts of social homework that I am late on without wallowing, c) focusing on analysing Finding Forrester, d) support friends who are going through major drama (remind me to post on this later, but it involves...6 girls, one guy and several extreme offenses to the Rules of Feminism - not actually, but Mean Girls rock), and e) not walk over the nearby Starbucks destroy my stomach.

By the end of the day, I was surprised with myself. I was OK. It would be OK. It sucks, I made a mistake, I was running on 4 hours of sleep and no review, and I can boost it a little. I went to CBD and looked at universities and scholarships without panicking and having an attack, which is an accomplishment in itself.

Hilariously, and sterotypically enough, on my way home I was listening to some of my most connected songs - "My Heart" by Paramore, "Sealion" by Feist, "Everybody's Fool" by Evanescence, "Paperbag" by Fiona Apple... and watching myself dig back into the hole. Failure, fat, doomed, worthless. Then, "Fighter" by Xtina came on. It struck me. I grew from this. I finished my english project on time. I didn't binge. I didn't cry or cut. I am that much stronger and I can rebound from this. I can overlook it and learn from it. I got a 66%. I want a 90%+. What now?

I came home, made a decent sized dinner (skipped lunch + small breakfast, so still under 1000), did homework, chatted, thought, and relaxed somehow. Its a big step for me. Before it's always been, either go the careless route and binge and stare and the ceiling, or dive into it and not stop. I managed the good grey scale and I'm really proud of myself.

I'm even more proud that I told my mother without crying or going into hysterics (also a usual) the day it happened. I proceeded to go on about the rest of my day, because that shouldn't define it.

Feeling better about life in general. Especially happy about the prospect of having gym time over the weekend. I am so close to 140 again. 140 is so close to my goal. It'll happen. And I will sleep a full 8hrs tonight.

Hope everyone had a decent day. Stay strong ladies <3. (also, pic is mine).

Blind Faith

Sorry I missed post yesterday; it was an extremely hectic day. On 4hours of sleep I went to school, worked for 6 hours, then stayed up until 2:30am working on this idiotic (but interesting) english project. If you're interested in Critical Race/Gender/Class theory, you can check it out (DON'T COMMENT please... haha) The Treasure Box. The "treasure-box" is a long running joke in my AP class relating to religious innuendo. Good fun.

Anyways, I've been doing really good with my eating, keeping it under 1000. I'm back down to 143ilbs, which is exciting considering when I got back from Nova Scotia I was a disgusting 150. Obviously it was mostly undigested food + water weight, but still. We were talking about eating disorders and their relationship to hormone secretion in the body in Bio30 yesterday. It's a strange sensation to be talking so essentially, or in a sense of black and white, and biologically about something that is so personal for me. I was the only one who could answer the question: What is the danger when your body has depleted it's fat stores?

Speaking of which - I made an idiotic mistake and left my profile as-is for about half an hour yesterday when I signed on as a contributor to this project-blog. What does that? If my partner (or teacher) had clicked on my profile out of curiosity, this blog would have come up. So... good thing I noticed that! Jesus. ALSO the girl-who-knows was at school yesterday. Talk about awkward.

I conversation crossed my mind yesterday that I forgot to mention. It was between my cousin and my aunt. They were looking at school pictures and my size4 cousin points out that in one she looks fat. My aunt, a professor in aboriginal and womans studies, flipped out saying that it was media talking and how she had to respect herself blah blah blah. She finished off with saying: "I thought you were smarter than that."

She's a professor at the university I want to apply for.

Ouch.

It just made me think about my extended family again, and how little they actually know me. More disturbingly, I realised how disappointed they would be if they found out. What kind of person would I be to my 13 younger cousins? It made me sick. I went for a run.

As with many of you, I have an issue with being wanted and loved. Not only did this shake that feeling inside, I also started to think about love. The saying, "In order to love another, and have someone love you, you have to love yourself" is infuriating to me.

Until someone loves me, until I proof that I am worth love, how can I love myself? Blind faith? Should I believe in God just because, in the end, it might pay off for me? Should I stop studying and start partying and drinking just because, in the end, I'll have had fun? Should I stop searching for my own personal worth, for my own fulfillment in hope that, someday, it'll all fall in to place?

Anyways, off to school. I'm looking forward to sleep tonight. Sorry I'm skimping on pictures lately.

Free writing

I used to love free writing - when you just let your pen go, you don't really think. I did these on the plane last. I don't really need to post now, these say everything for me... I'm no poet, so don't be hatin'.

Unfinished

More than anything, I
have to get what I want.
What I want.
What do I want?
That incomprehensible question
full of lies and decit; there
is no right answer -
therefore there is no answer. Yet
there must be an answer to
that burning, tearing question for
the sensation is
the answer and
the sensation is
undenaiable.
So, the answer does exist
somewhere in this wretched soul.
But, when pain and anguish and fervent lust,
the flaming hate that destroys, is
the sensation
do I need to know the answer?
Do I need to search myself and soul
to find the thing that torments,
to humanize the monster within,
and fullfill the unquenchable desire
to know what I desire
truly, and
wholly?



Hate

H is for the hunger
that only sometimes exists, yet
constantly devistates the mind
A body in revolt;
A soul shattered.

A is for the acceptance
we know will come, despite
the intelligence possessed by
The ravaged psyche
The beautiful boned

T is for the terror
of human imperfection, that
is imposed by a plural force
Of mass-media
Of mind(less/full) self

E is for the essentialist
thinking of black and white, obsessed
perception of beauty and control that
Makes us feel worthy
Makes us feel real.

Away

I think I forgot to mention that my parents are (did, at this point) dragging my fat ass across the country to throw a "surprise" 70th birthday for my grandfather. That's all fine and dandy, but honestly, he was visiting us for a week three days ago and we had a birthday dinner for him. Do I really need to take a day off school, fly 10 hours (both ways) to throw a party, feel like shit around all my thin cousins, and skimp on school work? No. They don't understand: 1) how much work I have to do, 2) how long it takes, 3) that I can't do it around other people- THEY DON'T HAVE A LIBRARY IN THIS FREAKING TOWN. , 4) how vital it is to my sanity.

So, I'm pissed that all this week I'm going to be up until the wee hours trying to catch up which means increased appitite, depression, lack of concentrations, and the persistance of this idiotic cold. Ugh. My dad asked me this morning (well, yesterday night) at the airport why I was so annoyed at life and all I could say was, "This." Thank god I didn't have to sit with him. I can't even look at him right now.

It's after dinner now and I feel like I ate too much, so I did, which is fail. It's a weekend of dinners and parties, so depending on how my mood persists I may or may not have the care to restrict. I am feeling the need coming back though, and stronger than ever. So, hopefully this week will be better. I gained 3 ilbs - at 145 now, abnd I need it gone.

I'll try and post more this weekend, but with all the running around and whatnot I don't know how much time I'll have, or how much I'll want to admit all the shit I ate or all the work I didn't do.

Its hard to be around family in this mind set. You laugh, joke, drink and eat, you talk about school, and clubs, and friends. All the while, all you're thinking is: They don't know me. I hope they never will.

I'm on Grandma's computer. Gotta delete history ;)

Absolutes can not exist

My morning indulgences didn't help, nor did carrying the blade around all day close to my heart - I mean that literally, I stuck it in my bra. The day got progressively more and more... well, honestly neutral. I wouldn't allow myself to get stressed, I released it all. I also wouldn't allow myself to be without the fixation on perfection, on the future, or on food.

Biology was good because I read ahead and understood what was going on. Social studies was beyond productive, which made me extremely happy and optimistic - optimistic enough to buy a blueberry scone for lunch. Wonderful /sarcasm. At lunch, I bounced around chatting with an outcast, a gay guy, and a special-ed kid. During my spare, I couldn't focus on anything besides facebook and started to get scared. English was composed of moderately productive banter and copy/pasting from websites.

Ran home, avoided, then gave in to, the urge to eat.

Spent the evening staring at my massive school-related to-do-list, dreaming about my substantial weight-loss + fitness goals (btw, I'm at 142 still), and wishing for someone to tell me what to do about my life.

And now, I'm frustrated and realizing the time I wasted despite all the stress and annoyance with my work. It is at this point I realise it would all be okay if I didn't come home and binge, or if I didn't buy that stupid scone. At least I would have my body-sanity. At least I would be getting better at something.

But no. I screw it up for myself. I need to get back on track so badly.

Blah blah blah, it's all been posted before. I just wish I could move away from the grey area. Even dark-grey would be nice.

Indulgence

I've indulged in both lovely obsessions this morning, in the hope that it makes today better.

Pressure

I'm freaking out right now about school work. I spend hours and hours studying and working, yet don't seem to make a dent. The family doesn't care about that fact, and they're forcing me to come on this 3day over-the-weekend trip to the other side of the country where I will have minimum amounts of time to work, and I'll be missing a full day of school. "Oh, it's Friday, it doesn't matter!" Um, classes are still 1hr long, 1hr is a lot of time.

On the eating front, I did decently today as far as no bingeing and skipping lunch. It was a family birthday today, which meant cake, but I didn't go back for seconds or anything (which I almost did because I'd rather drown sorrows in icing than in anything else). Which was a small win. Tomorrow, I'll skip lunch again and hopefully only have a small dinner.

Still sick, still feel like crap. I lost my razor, so I haven't been cutting but BOY... BOY oh boy.

A week

Wow, almost a week has past.

I honestly don't know where to start here. I'm... well, I've fallen off the bandwagon I want to be on so desperately. My binge-eating is stupidly out of control, and I don't even have the will to stop it any more. My only solace in the last week has been these last few days that I've been surviving on oatmeal and soup due to a progressive head/chest/sinus cold.

Still, my excuses are weak and I'm not even just "thinking" I look fat, I can pinch new bulges, feel new jiggle... and I just start thinking about everything else I need to do, all my other commitments to real, live people, and all my other hate and issues... and I just break down. I watch movies, or draw, or chat. Or eat, obviously. Hopefully after I get better from this stupid cold I'll be able to think clearly again... but that's not even a good excuse is it? I'm sick. Boo-hoo. We're all sick. Some of you are just stronger.

I sincerely remember this morning my first thought being: "Fuck, I wish I was Ana."

I'm so so done with this greyscale shit. No one understands... you just can't STOP hating yourself or stop believing that you're worthless. You can't wake up in the morning and think, "DAMN, I am FINE and I am AMAZING." when you have been waking up for the last two years thinking, "Another day, another waste of space (that's growing... and growing)." I can't stop swinging between the knife, fasting, and shoving food down my throat to ease it.

And that is so pathetic.

I need control again. I need it here so I can stop procrastinating my school work, so I can stop stalling my life. Ramble ramble ramble.

I'll be good, I promise. I might even fast tomorrow. But I doubt it.

Also - how am I dealing with the girl who knows? I'm not. Seems to be working out just fine as long as she doesn't go squealing to a teacher. Who would believe her anyways? Nah. No one.

Oooooh shit.

An ex-cutter noticed my symptoms. She knows, and she told me so.

fuck.

Fasting tomorrow.

This entire weekend has been a major bust.

I feel it... I feel it clicking again. I need to exercise, count calories, restrict, cut; achieve, and maintain perfection. I've let weeks slip by, so much slip into my body. My mood swings exhaust me. I hate it. I just want to down something numbing. Even cutting isn't helping right now. I have no fucking control over anything, even myself.

I want so much to achieve, yet I stop myself from doing that.

I need so much, yet I get in my own way.

I've never hated as much as I do right now. All day I've been angry; it is just not I realized I'm mad at myself. I'm tired. I want to sleep but I can't. I'm such a failure. I want this out of my system. All of it. I want to fast for days, exercise... I wish my parents weren't home. I wish they didn't care, or that I didn't care... I want to scream, "GET AWAY" and "I HATE YOU, YOU'RE SO FUCKING WORTHLESS". I want to carve it into my skin. I want to show everyone, "there, is this what you wanted? I was never ever ever ever good enough, how about now?! can I be ok with myself now?".

I hate being this person, but I can't stop being this. I can't stop.

I'm supposed to be sleeping, but I thought I should make a quick update.

HIGHS of the day:

• 12 hour fast (excluding a tomato slice...) 7:00am-7:30pm
  
• Dissected a brain! (so amazingly fun)
• Got some stuff done
• Socialized

LOWS of the day:

• 142
• Emotional binging
• Almost cut
• Not productive at all, even though I have SO much work to do
  
• Made plans to go to a birthday breakfast at a Dutch Pancake (holy shat calories/fat) Diner.

So, yeah, tomorrow will suck with the breakfast, but even if it's like 500 calories or more, I work for 8 hours after wards and I'm not eating the rest of the day. But it's my friends 18th and all her graduated friends are at university but she decided to take a GAP year. Only tea and water to drink... it'll be ok.

I will get my English work done during my breaks tomorrow, then come home and write my essay... that's the plan anyways. Tuesday looks like it's gonna be my next fast day - I work after school. Anyone wanna join?

<3

I ate yesterday, obviously, so my weight was back up again today to about 140 - which sucks but it's OK because it's water/food weight (I hope).

I had a really productive day in general, which will always make me really happy. I got posters for two different clubs designed, approved, and printed. In bio we're moving on from neuroscience to the eye - and I'm extremely interested so that class rocks. Social pisses me off, because our teacher is teaching it very choppily (is that a word?), anyways whatever. Lunchtime meetings went swell. On my spare, I got all my homework, and studying done. English we started reading these university-level essays about the Race/Class/Gender theory, which is something so intrinsically meshed into social studies that it's almost the same class and that makes it AMAZING.

Then, the bad stuff started to happen. I went to Portfolio (useless class), and we watched this student-docu about university and how to go about applying and getting funds. I haven't thought about university in a while (at least not directly), and I just started getting really panicky. I'm not one of those easily-made-to-react-to-over-whelming-situations kind of person, but I literally RAN out of the class room panting and clenching my fists... my heart was just pounding. I was supposed to go and put up posters after Portfolio, but I just HAD to get out of school, physically out of the building. Yay, panic attacks.

So, I went to the Library, picked up several soundtracks (Les Mis, Hair, Phantom), AIDA dvd, Wuthering Heights, and spent 1hr and a half reading a diagnostic book about Eating Disorders which strangely enough made me really want to eat (I didn't eat lunch, btw, so I stuck to that plan! yay) and, also, made me really doubt I have an eating disorder...

After I was thouroughly convinced that the psychology behind Eating Disorders is mind-numbing, I picked up my notebook and started brainstorming things for my English Essay that I scrapped. 40mins later, I had my outline. Funny what a few days mental leave from a subject can totally refresh you.

Anyways, I came home in a daze of confusion about my motivations, about my panic/future/funds etc and binged. Tomato soup, bun, chocolate pudding... god. I feel so gross and bloated right now, but a lot more calm. Not that that, or anything else excuses gorging. I'm trying not to be mad because generally I've been very good this week.

Tomorrow is gonna be tricky cause it's my moms birthday, this means her favourite dinner - casserole and cake. Lovely. I have auditions again, then going shopping so I won't be home before 7, which means I can probably get away with a small breakfast, then only cake because shopping buddies are going to get hungry and eat at the mall...

I'm very tired right now, and I'm so glad it's friday. OOOH, big plus, I don't work all weekend so I can actually socialize with people - yay! I promise I'll get more photos up soon, I haven't had time to use the camera D=.

<3 stay strong.

136!

I dropped almost 10ilbs (all water weight, mind) from the fast tomorrow.

OMG. Love it.

Best start to my day. Then, I aced my Bio test. Got 100% on my social essay. English was a fail, but that's not gonna change any time soon. AND I had no lunch today, and haven't binged tonight. Same plan for tomorrow... I went on a big, hour plus long walk today too. Eeeeee. I'm excited to have a good day.

Anyways. I'm excited to know that beneath the water and bloat, I only really weigh like 136. Which is amazing. But I want to weigh that much with water and bloat. Muahaha. Night.

Brain explosions

It was a busy, busy day filled with happiness, annoyance, brain-busting stupidity and carelessness. I'm exhausted. Rushing before classes, during lunch for 2 meetings, during my spare to finish my essay draft, after school to do homework... then I got to work where it was painfully slow. I'm not making any sense right now. Hahaha.

I made it through my fast with little more than a headache to account for it. Mmm. I can't tomorrow, but I want to... just need to excersize control. All-or-nothing is for neurons.

Wow, ok, it's bedtime.

It's like I'm lost

I have less than 4 hours to write 2 essays, clean, do laundry, study and not eat. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I procrastinate like a pro, but these really essays matter. Part of the reason I'm having such an issue with them is because I keep trying to think of a better way to write. Something more sophisticated, earth-shatteringly brilliant, original, but somehow it's just not coming to me. I have such an issue handing things in that aren't 110%, and in a class were everyone is always at 110%, I feel like the stupid-one. How ridiculous is that? It's only 2 weeks in and I'm already the stupid one.

Today, my fasting failed but only because I accepted that I had only got 2 hours of sleep, and that I needed to be productive today (and I haven't really yet, imagine that). Still at a solid 143. Ugh. Need to get this off.

On a side note (the happiest part of my day so far), I did some power shopping at the mall and local thrift store - spent a whole 60$ on 4 belts (waist cinchers), 2tops, 2 tanks, a scarf and a magazine + chocolate face mask. Now that is impressive. I love shopping too much. I'm glad I have money now, because I feel a little better in good clothes.

Like, 10 minutes ago, I got this insane, strong sensation to go on facebook and write a note entitled - "I have an eating disorder. I'm sorry." and tag everyone. Just get it out there. Not for attention, not for treatment - unless they want to give me appetite suppressants or something haha -... but just so I can stop hiding. I have so many secrets, so many walls around my heart, I feel so inhuman. I just want this thing in the open so people can understand that I'm not a bitch, or a robot - that I feel and I hurt and I can't show anyone.

Of course I won't do that. Ever.

Strange thing is, I had the same sensation while writing my letter to my English teacher. "Oh, by the way, a big part of my identity and my perspective on life is my undiagnosed eating disorder. Suprised? You shouldn't be! I am a classic case. " Talk about shit hitting the fan, huh? I don't know, has anyone else ever had that urge to just tell someone, anyone/everyone and suffer the consequences?

It also reminded me that I admitted to the fact - I have an eating disorder. I forget that sometimes. "I'm not some stupid, model-obsessed girl who wants attention - I'm just fat and doing things to change that! Oh wait..."

It's like I'm lost between all these forces of my personality that are constantly pulling at me. Maybe that's why I can't ever focus on anything, or commit myself to anyone - my brain couldn't handle it.

Sometimes, I really wish I was a crack addict. Or mia. Or a smoker. Or that I just didn't care about school. Or that I had a real talent in the arts that I could make a career out of. Instead, I'm just kind of decent at managing things, and PR. I'm a goody-two-shoes who hasn't puffed a puff ever. It's irritating.

Today, I contemplated my future and saw a black hole. Nothing.

Started my period today too - I remember at one point I was so thin I stopped that - so that explains my major mood swings/ bloating/ chocolate cravings. Doesn't excuse it though. Still fasting tomorrow.

Now only 3 hours to complete. FUCK.

Hear Me

Today, I my mood really lifted at work. I helped out a customer (we're talking 30mins sorting through purses) and got an entry for Employee of the Month. I was assigned my first project by my favorite manager - putting out a new tie display in men's. I arranged everything by brand, color and size (she didn't tell me to do) and she was so happy with me she didn't make me go on cash once! The new guy at work kept starting conversations with me whenever we were in the same vicinity... I was working in Home/Bath today, which is so much more relaxing. I couldn't figure out why for the longest time, but now I have - it's because I'm away from clothes and people trying them on. I don't have to take the size 00 jeans from people, or hang the XS dresses, or put away the 200$ designer bags. It was just a really good day at work.

Then, I came home and found out I was "forgotten" to another 18th birthday, and was very annoyed, so I started looking at clothing websites, half for thinspo, half for actual things I wish I could wear. Pasta for dinner. Ice cream for dessert. Lovely.

I really want this week to get back on track. It's Labor Day, NOW it's back to school for real - none of this 2-weeks early shit. I'm going to try and fast tomorrow, but I'm going shopping with the two people who know about my eating issues so depending on when we go they may force me... I'm also getting my braces tightened, so if I have to take some Ibuprofen I'll have to eat a little something. Otherwise, I'm determined to eat as little as possible, then Tuesday I work right after school until bedtime, and have a meeting at lunch, then plans for my spare so I can legit fast. Wednesday/Thursday my goals are simply to avoid the emotional binging.

Friday is read-through with the cast, so I have to look decent. Saturday I might fast, but it'll depend on night plans.

I am determined to finish my social essay tonight, then get up and so my English essay... I have my room to clean too though, and exercise to do. I just want to get it done. Damn sleep. I also want to go on a photowalk @ dusk. And study bio. Jesus, I'm behind. Maybe Wednesday I'll plan to hit the gym w/ bio textbook in hand...

I'm up in the weight department again, and I can feel it. I've lost a lot of my muscle over the summer, I can see it. I'm still 143, but I look bigger and I jiggle more. Now, I just need to find time to hit the gym, or a good training video, or sacrifice sleep and run in the mornings. The upside to being fat? Boobs. That's so pathetic. But, seriously, ever since I started gaining weight again, I've actually grown a little -I actually fill my A-cups now. Haha. So not funny. OK. For someone who's never actually filled an A-cup before, this is exciting. A lot of the times I think if I had a more proportioned body (i.e boobs to justify the wide hips/shoulders) I would be more OK with my body. But I have the measurements of a stick-model up to my waist, then the measurements of a pear-shaped women below the waist. Which is the easiest to fix?

Halloween is coming up too. I am determined to have a real high-school halloween. Parting and a hot costume. I'm thinking Harem girl/Scary Spice/Masquerade dancer/Rizzo/20s Flapper girl/Mobster. Anything more original, ladies?

Night night <3

Returning to Neutral

Thanks everyone, <3.

I'm feeling a little better today, being slightly productive at things that are not my priority. Work was ok too. Food was bad, what's new. I'm exhausted, but I thought I'd post a picture of my new wall decal (most exciting purchase/thing today). Yes, my room is green. Love it. Haha. I have high hopes for tomorrow.

Night.

Lies

Today started out OK. I picked a great outfit, hair worked out, homework done and understood - so off to school I go. I don't know where it went wrong. As the day progressed I got this sinking, profound feeling of invisibility... like no one, none of my teachers or friends even noticed I was there. Words, terms were being thrown around that I had no clue what to do with. I couldn't focus on my essays, I was too busy trying to make conversation. I walked into some guy, made a total fool of myself, because I was staring at this girl (one of those people you see and say- If she isn't anorexic, then I'm not human) and her pin legs.

By the end of the day, in English, this girl who broke my heart last year (she was part of that big scandal with me and that immature asshole from NS) walked in and the teacher couldn't stop PUKING up compliments because she wasn't wearing makeup. Fuck. It was like, I feel like shit and now this girl who beat me out and screwed me over without even a word is getting rubbed in my face by the one teacher who's respect I need to earn most. SHE'S BETTER THAN YOU, AND SHE ALWAYS WILL BE. Thinner, more interesting, smarter, edgier... wanted.

So, then, I went to auditions as the assistant to a girl who has no experience in a field I am expert in. I had no purpose to be there other than to pass out scripts. Graduates visited and asked where I was while I was standing in front of them. The director forgot to introduce me. I wasn't invited to a party many of my friends were going to - their reason? We thought you'd be working! Sorry *sadface*. So, I just said, "Don't worry, I have things to do - thanks anyways *smiles*".

I came home and ate, and ate, and ate. Then, I laid down, clutching a pearing knife, and watched tv with a death grip for hours. I didn't cut, but I wanted to.

My friend, the one who's sister is ana, the one who I have given the most of myself to ever said goodbye tonight - he's leaving for university. I'm not good with goodbyes. I should have been crying, showing him how much he means to me. Instead it was a "good luck, love you" and hug. Pathetic and robotic.

I'm usually the person saying, "tomorrow is another day". But I feel like, "Tomorrow is just another today, and you'll be just the same - worthless, invisible, stupid, and fat."

I'm tired of this whining, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of the hate and pain. I just want someone to tell me, genuinely, that I am... I don't know. That I can do it. That I am beautiful. That I am worth it. That they want me.

But, I know I'd just smile and think: "Why are they lying to me?"

HAPPY (fucking) ANNIVERSARY (hate)

So, yeah. Fasting kind of failed today because it was the store's anniversary and they bought cake for everyone and it was... I only had a small piece but still. Also, had a small 30cal yogurt. Rawr.

I know my posting is erratic. Blogging mood swings, who would have thought?

I was just surfing today, checking out careers and universities and basically stressing myself out by avoiding homework and realizing I have no plan or goal in life. Then I stumbled across the idea of Museology/being a Museum Curator... then I looked into requirements. Anthropology.

I have been looking very basically at Sociology and Humanities... English, Art history, and culture, because that's what my previous links have led to. I've never clicked on the scary word at the top of the alphabetized list. I'm glad I did.

• Development and the environment,
• Media and popular culture,
• Health,
• Illness and disability,
• Gender and sexualities,
• Tourism,
• Religion and science,
• Diasporic communities and displaced peoples,
• Violence and conflict, and the colonial process.
  

That is me... and with my theatre experience, museum technical creation would be down my alley too. My multimedia experience would help with exhibit design. Then, I love research, people, and...As I was reading, I got butterflies. This is serious. I'm actually seriously considering this. I've never known what I wanted to be when I grow up. Now, I might. It's so relieving.

Can anyone say information interview? OH - and I found the most amazing program - the International Bachelor of Arts in Anthropology at York (too bad I don't want to go to Toronto... but it's certainly worth a look). My Nova Scotia loves are pretty decent... St. Francis Xavier seems to have a good one - and they have a Pre-Proffessional portion to the course as well. Dalhousie combines Sociology and Social Anthropology, so I'm not sure what that looks like or how it looks on a resume - but they're a central research school so...

I have homework to do, if i want to get into any of these!!! Fasting is really hard for some reason, it's never physically pained before to not eat - have I regained my hunger mechanism?! Shiiit. I want this stupid weight gone!!! Grad shopping is starting soon, what happens if I buy my dress 15ilbs heavier then I am at Grad (we all know that will provoke fasting D=)?!

Now I have to focus. I committed to doing one project before going to the library/gym so that should force me to focus... It's only 9am. I have 7hrs. Ok. I can do this...

A bad night

Having a bad night if you haven't noticed... no school tomorrow, which is why I'm up so late. I'm scared to fast tomorrow. What if I fail? Or someone notices? Then again who am I kidding - no one ever does.

One of my essays is about the role self-respect plays in an individuals response to injustice. I'm having such an issue with it. Everyone else is speeding through, and I'm stuck. I think it's because I'm in the no-to-little self-respect category... it's so circumstantial, but often when an injustice is made against me... someone making fun or whatever... I don't react, I deserve it. Everyone else can write from a neutral perspective (or seems to be able to) and I can't... I honestly can't remember the last time that I thought - Snap out of it, you don't deserve this shit. It's frustrating.

The next one is a creation of your own society. I'm having issues here too because I want so much, and I get so involved in details. Basically, my society is post-environmental-collapse, when 2/3 of the worlds population died off. This technology was invented to essentially make humans completely sustainable - a way to create energy within humans, to recharge, feed, and heal, by the sun. The government is focused on rebuilding the species in a sustainable manner, while still promoting happiness and individualism that helps the collective. But... that's nothing. There are so many other details... and I can't step back and see the big picture or how to tackle it in a format of presentation (short story, article, speech...).

I have all these ideas. I just can't sort them out. I need to focus more than anything. My day at the library is tomorrow - and if I finish my essay (rough) and society thing (complete) and study for bio, I'll go to the gym for however long. I am working and walking (40mins) tomorrow on the fast anyways though. I wish I could fast through Friday too - I might try. My plan for next week includes no lunch (this is hard because of the spare!) and breakfast every second day. Gym too - it helps me in school.

Maybe I'll start off with half-an-hour of light cardio with my bio textbook to get the blood flowing, then study and work until I'm done, then really work out. Means I have to be organized to go earlier... but that's ok. Sounds good.

OK. Now I feel better.
Night

Vibrating

Binged because I can't control my thoughts. School is already getting to me; 3 essays, a personal response, neuroscience. I feel like the world is shaking, vibrating around me. I'm just being shook... so much to do, no time and no intelligence to get it done right.

Hey, I'm sorry I've been... avoiding this for so long.

I've been doing well, and school's 2000x times better. I'm back down to 140-ish, whereas I had a few days up in 146-7. Been living a healthy, active, moderately restrictive lifestyle but hardly anything to be considered as an attempt at weight loss.

I had a good friend of mine transfer into my Bio class, so that's good. The teacher is great, very passionate. Social rocks, as per usual. I'm a total social sciences, history, culture, politics person. English is a gong-show because I bit the bullet and decided to take a risk and transfer in to the AP class. I should have been in it last year, but a number of factors forced me to decline the oppertunity. But, I got 95 in normal english, so it was ok for me to move up. Super upside, I know every. single. person (class of 15!) and the teacher is amazing.

So life is good. Busy, but good.

I had a really shitty day today. My brain exploded a little. I came home and did some lovely emotional-binging. I'm going to the gym tonight to work it off. Not that that makes it okay, I'm just glad I am. I'm also extremely aware of how large I am right now, and I want to change it. Unfortunately, the parents took the first week-or-so of school off so they ensure lunch is packed and breakfast is eaten. I have my two most crazy classes before lunch, and a spare right after, so 3hours faced with food I find daunting. Once they're gone though it will be much easier to skip lunch (i'm a breakfast person), and even a dinner or two.

I'm fasting this Thursday because I don't have school, parents have plans, and I work later on. I plan to spend the day at the library or gym, but probably both.

I'm sorry I've been neglecting. I promise to get better. Bear with me. How is everyone elses' year starting out? I hope not too terribly.

<3