Monday, October 5, 2009

A long string of hateful names

[EDIT] It's been an hour since I posted this. I can't stop crying.

Today was one of those days when I woke up and my first thought was: Today is going to suck.

And, well, your life is what you make of it. I'm so frustrated right now, I can't even focus. Frustrated with myself for being so negative and for losing that optimism and strength I had since Wednesday in regards to myself and how I see myself. I haven't thought: You're useless, a failure, a fat, stupid, idiot - since Wednesday. Well, I hadn't. I'm mad that I couldn't fight it. That I couldn't say, you know what? fuck you. I will have an amazing day!

It was everything. I woke up with 4 major pimple/breakouts. Ok, so I'll look like shit. Then, I remembered that I had an inclass essay... that I forgot about and didn't prepare for. Fuck, i'm an idiot. I'm going to fail. I need something carby. I couldn't focus in Bio and study for my test tomorrow. Wow, I'm stupid. I need food. Today's a shit show anyways, may as well fuck it up more and have grilled fucking cheese. All or nothing, right. Social - friends hate me. Lovely. Behind in work. English essay got moved to tomorrow. Good thing because what I was going to write about the teacher called "elementary and redundant". Lovely.

So, now, it's 9:00 oclock and do I have my essay outline? No. How about my PRT outline? Nope. C'mon I must have had the motivation to study for the uber-important unit exam! No sireebob.

I ate like a fucking pig. I didn't do anything. I was proved, twice, to be an idiot. I can't stop hating the fact that I even feel like this. I can't move past the hate to attack what's causing it. And it's not like I can walk in to class tomorrow and say: "Yo, sorry, I was depressed and suicidal last night - I couldn't prepare. Can I write it tomorrow?"

In writing suicidal, I realise that's actually how I feel right now. And that's so entirely stupid and pathetic and disgusting. How many people would I hurt? How could I do that to everyone?! But, oh, death... silence, that release... is so so so appealing right now. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up...

Never have to deal with food, or marks, or tests, or essays, or boys, or friends, or pain, or hate, or lies, or university, or money, or my future ever again. Just have everything stop. Stop spinning and stop hurting and stop chipping away at me... just stop. Just stop. The bliss of the silence and stability and isolation is so so beautiful.

All day I kept thinking to myself, "Please... please.... don't." Don't what? Who am I pleading to? Cutting won't help, because it can't hurt enough. No, no it can't. I'm so done right now. Just plain old done. Walk away. Give up.

I don't have any strength left. and I don't know why. I haven't wanted to die this badly for a long, long time. I don't want the depression back... not without Ana. She's not coming back.


Ana's Girl said...

I hate days like that. You just wake up and know... You try to prove it wrong at first, but when it doesn't work, you go suicidal and sad and frustrated... I'm sorry hunny. I really hope you feel better soon. Ana will come back if you let her. I promise. Maybe you should talk to a doctor and get some anti-depressants? I dunno, i'm just so worried about you.

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