Thursday, October 8, 2009

Firstly, thanks everyone for your support over these last few days. I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me complain and wail and whine about things everyone of you goes through - and still you come out on top. So, sorry... I'm trying. <3 I did not buy a coffee or bar, I bought some 0cal gum, btw. Small victory?

I also haven't binged on actual food today, which is amazing considering this week. My mom did, however, buy like 20thousand packets of Skinny Cappucinos and Mocha Lattees and French Vanilla drink powder. Max is 70cals each. So, I might smuggle a few away and use them to quell my home-alone-provoked binges this weekend.

In fact, if nothing else, I want to have control over my eating for Thanksgiving. Even if I eat "normal amounts of food" (what is normal anymore? My normal is 1000-1300, the internet tells me 2000-2200 is normal), that's fine because I WILL get to the gym at least 3 times. I've been so sedentary lately, and I know working out helps me control eating blah blah blah.

Anyways. I'm going out for an sudo-intervention breakfast with a friend who hasn't been to school in 3 weeks. Major depression and anxiety issues. Why, oh why, does it have to be done at Denny's? The most fattening, greasy place on earth? Ugh. They don't have nutritional info available so I can't even figure out what I'm going to order. I figure eggs is safest, but I don't know. That should be "fun", regardless. Then, I'm going shopping - yes food, then shopping. I think I'll stick to shoes/coats/chunky sweaters. I mean, if I find things I feel good in when I'm at my worst, then when I'm at my best I'll feel fantastic, right?

I've been thinking about this year, and realizing that, among other things, I am going to graduate this year. In a few months, I will attend the banquet in a lovely dress, hopefully (though it's a long shot) with a handsome date and be thin and beautiful and stunning like the thinspo girl of the day. I need to commit to this again. Last week I was so focused. What on earth happened? Lack of sleep is a significant factor, I'm sure. So, I am off. Wish me luck tomorrow.

OH - the worst part is the two people I'm going with are both TEENY TINY. One boy with a man-metabolism, anti-depressants and a mommy-complex when it comes to food (i.e if his mom doesn't pack his lunch, make breakfast or dinner for him, he doesn't eat). And the girl, the one with major depression, has a man-metabolism coupled with the fact that if she gets out of bed to eat at some point in the day that's a break through. And then there is me, with my 88% average and pristine mask of level-headedness, my sensitivity and compassion, my friends and connections, and my massive thighs busting out of my size 9s.

Life is so fucking unfair.


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