Stab, Stab and...wait for it... STAB

Don't worry, it's not real brains + blood. ;P ...though bashing my head against a nice, white, solid fence does seem like perfectly suitable way to spend my time right now. The weekend swung between being rough and being fun, being disappointing and hopeful. My head hurts from thinking about it. I kept up with exercising + studying but, obviously, the posting + picture taking (the part I am most enjoying) failed.

This is due to what I call the TRIPLE THREAT. That is I somehow managed to land three diplomas - Biology, English B and Social B - one after another. Bio went alright - it was one of those tests that was almost TOO easy. I felt like I was missing something crucial because the questions were ridiculously simple. Not that I'm complaining about an easy test, just watch me get like 70% on it though.

English was today and... ugh. The worst part about English multiple choice exams is that it's completely subjective. Usually you can narrow it down to two answers, and after that it is a crap shot. This test... 85% of the questions were ones you could MAYBE narrow down to three answers. The wording was often off, and, personally, I could not follow the trend in the questions and how it related to the texts... just blah. On top of it being a generally confusing and vague test, the texts were rather boring so I started skimming / sleeping. Bad combo.

I felt terrible about it. Mostly because I felt as though my AP training should have prepared me for it and that I was, inherently, disappointing my teacher. Grrr. Anyways. That sucks, but I know my written portion was decent so I could be able to hold onto a high 80s grade. Social is tomorrow and I'm hoping it will be OK. Social is usually OK.
/school rant.

I'm doing alright. The binging has scaled down to "normal" calorie content, but it's still all at once or at two intervals in the day. I know it's bad. I have optimism for the new semester - well, I do tonight at least - so hopefully it'll work out. Sounds crazy, but I'm considering marching on over to... well... to somewhere to deal with it. With the sleep issues, with stress, with anxiety. I want to find ways to help those. I just don't want THIS, this selfish obsession, found out. Eh. Maybe not. Eventually it'll boil down to - "You didn't seem to have that bad a day today, why are you freaking out!?" And the only answer I will have is "I ate too much, or I realised how fat I was, or someone called me _______." Bleh.

Aggravatingly, my weight has still not changed. After 4-ish days of caloric, belly-busting binging, I am still 140. Why can't my metabolism burn 3000 calories/day when I am fasting or even eating normally? Ugh. I am not complaining about the immovable plateau, it's just I'm sure that if my body responded by gaining 10ilbs, I would stop binging. But it hasn't, so someone in there says "just keep going!"

Hope everything is going ok for everyone. I'll catch up with blogs either tomorrow or Thursday I promise :)

Miracle Cure: Baby Oil

After a long shower and a rare indulgence of baby oil, I feel a little bit better. Today was hard because I made it hard. Universities are screwing with my head. My binging impulse is screwing with my stomach and metabolism. The fact that I can't focus long enough on studying for my oh-so-important diploma's is grating. All the way, I'm beginning to realize that I make life difficult for myself. And that I can't stop.

I think I might be PMSing too, which never helps.

I don't have much to say tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will get along better - I am forcing myself to go to a group study session, which means I will actually focus. Which is always good. Maybe I can fix this weekend tomorrow... this week. I feel so gross and bloated from... three or four days of binging. Blarg.

Today's picture is nostalgic. This was my grad 9 "graduation" dress. Besides being about 4inches too short, it still "fits". By "fits" I mean it's a size 5/6. It's far, far too big around the bust /waist. Like, so big it was slouching in the back. It makes me wonder if it ever fit - I don't think it did. Makes me wonder if I was always so concerned with my stomach and my thighs and how big they looked... so I bought a dress a size or two (or 4) too big. I just remember feeling wonderful in that dress.

selfish

I am selfish. Everything I think, all I react to, all I expect... everything is about me me me. This whole blog is exhibit freakin' A. God. I wouldn't let myself sleep last night until I planned out my day to the 15minute mark. I wouldn't. When the bus was late, I blamed myself - when my bank card expired and I had to give up on a purchase at the mall - it was my fault, my karma. When I came home and binged, then stopped for a few hours, then binged again... it was all to avoid things I couldn't deal with. When I sat down with my mother and she started crying and blaming herself for my callousness, for the fact that I've never had a boyfriend, that I'm so hard on myself, that I have bad self-image, that I hate my dad, all I could think was - NO it's not YOU it's Me.

I'm so done with myself.

Probably consumed over 3000 calories today. Didn't study at all. No music. Nothing besides 1hr of walking.

I hate myself for no goddamn reason other than I am obsessed with myself and I have to find something to critisize because I am a selfish bitch. WHY DO I CARE?

I'm not a pity case. I'm not someone who should recieve support... I'm here, begging for attention, because without it I die. Because I can't get it anywhere else. Me me me. Just burn me down. Like a beetle-infested tree that, despite it's contagious disease, wants to live. Burn.

a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

Somehow, I managed to wake up this morning feeling terrible about everything. I just knew when I opened my eyes: today is going to be painful.

I tried to fix it by stuffing myself silly. But, as we all know, that tends to be rather counter productive.

I tried to exercise in order to boost morale. I had to stop because everything jiggled; everyone could see.

I tried to study and begin to prepare for round 2 of diplomas. My brain shut off and something kept asking, Why bother?

I don't know what it was. What the trigger was. I had a really good day yesterday... I did. I ate too much, sure, but I spent time with my lovely, silly friends. Hell, I may have found my grad dress! I spent a very long time (almost 2hrs... haha) indulging my Z. fantasy as we cuddled watching a movie.

So why the hell couldn't I do anything today? Why did I spend hours today eating, blasting Fionna Apple, crying, staring at myself in the mirror. Right now all I can think is:

No one is ever, ever going to love you. You are never going to get what you want. You're not worth anyone's time. No one is going to think you're good enough. No guy is ever going to look twice at you, or want to deal with you. No one can fix you. No professor or employer or scholarship advisor is ever going to think you are good enough.

And, for god's sake I know most of those things aren't true. But some very well could be... I don't know. I guess I don't have anything else to say about this fail of a day. /rhyming.

Walk, Don't Run

This is today's picture. Pretty self explanatory, but I love the colors and the... I don't know, the elementary-ness behind it.

So, the title of today's post should really be: "Good intentions smashed by a shopping excursion and too-long photowalk. Day ends in a bloated, over-stuffed, broke Greene cuddling Z. while crying during the black-kid's funeral scene in Across the Universe because it reminded her of her grandfather's funeral a few years earlier (which she attended spitefully and now regrets her attitude towards more than anything else)."

Yah.

Story of my life.

Essentially, excersize (besides walking around and trying on grad dresses for 4hrs) and a 30ish minute walk was minimal. Food was excessive, but OK. Everything I ate (sushi, low-cal green tea frozen yogurt and some kind of thin-crust 6' pizza) I split with someone, so that makes it a little bitty better. I did, however, download TONS of music today - everything from Mary J Blige to Spice Girls to Nat King Cole. I'm in the process of cleaning my room...

Yah.

Story of my life.

Loves. I'm exhausted, so I apologize for the fragmented post. Keep leaving music suggestions... I'll need some for tomorrow for sure!

Olympia

Did I forget to mention I was carrying the Olympic Torch? Yah... it was incredible... I think. It went by so fast. I think it will hit me tomorrow. I ran with a team of volunteers through a local community.

I woke up feeling fat and ugly. Imagine that. Kept to the regime, though. Unfortunately, I am also confused now because I have been half-convinced to apply-to (and I will get in) to a specialty program at one of Dal's sister universities for my first year. It's more expensive, challenging and exclusive. I'm torn.

I'm also exhausted, if you can't tell. More tomorrow. I didn't study today (bad!) but that's excusable. I'm devoting most of tomorrow to it. This picture on top is a cheat - It's one I took yesterday and it was my favorite from the bunch - but I felt the self-portrait was more fitting for the post. I love it because, despite the seat technically being empty... it's almost like the shadows fill the seat (because they disappear at the top). In the bottom corner is my own shadow, or rather, the shadow of a person obviously taking a photo of what seems to be nothing - begging the question: is there something there? Deep, man. Deep.

The one on the bottom is one taken today. That is indeed the olympic torch and the wonderful sky.

I love you all, and you rock. I'm sorry, I am a terrible, hypocritical person and I am awful at commenting on your blogs, but I always read them!

P.S ANA'S GIRL THANK YOU FOR INTRODUCING ME TO 3OH!3. Keep leaving music suggestions lovelies:)

14 Days

At work last night, I was thinking about how I am going to maintain my sanity for the next two weeks before reading break is over. My need to feel, look, be... skinny is slowly dissipating into a throbbing desire to be confident in my body and to have some amount of control. I have 3 exams to write yet, and I need to have some structure.

I got up this morning and binged for almost 2hrs. Not even a vegetable-ladden binge, but a real binge. I haven't... It's been almost three weeks singe I've done that. Ugh. It feels awful. The worst part? I have to shower still, so I have to face the consequence. Maybe it's a good thing then...

As I was saying, at work I decided that I needed a plan for the next 14 days. Something that is flexible enough to not provoke my latent, ever-present OCD and self-mutilating tendencies, but also something that I can rely on.

So here is my 14 Revitalize Plan
Focus on abs: My arms are alright, my thighs/hips can't be helped by anything other than rapid weight loss. If I can get rid of (or at least tighten) my flabby middle, maybes strengthen my legs, maybe I can live with this for a while. This means:

• 100 Crunches a day (min 25 at a time)
  
• 150 Bicycles a day (min 25 at a time)
• 50 Squats
• 50 Push ups (girl ones count... for now!)

Move more: Take at least one 15minute walk everyday

Stretch: Commit to morning (before showering) and evening (before bedtime) stretches and call Chiropractor to get some for strengthening my back.

Take Control: I am almost 18. I need to start accumulating my assets under my own name and begin to become more independent.

• Get all banking information under my name, invest and open school savings account
• Change phone plan + start paying for my own bills
• Sign up for Driver's Education

Revitalize: I crave variety. I become happier if I hang around different people, do different things, focus on what I need to focus on and play later.

• Commit at least 1hr to studying everyday
• Apply to 5 more scholarships by Feb 1st
• Download one new album everyday
• Take a day and go explore downtown - shopping, art, entertainment
  
• Take my camera and take one picture, with a purpose and meaning, everyday
• Make an effort to have time and energy to be with people
• Organize my room (it might take 14 days...)

...and that's it.
Wish me luck :)
And thank you for your comments on my last post. They made me feel a little more at ease.

This is my day 1 picture :) It's a self portrait of sorts... I thought it appropriate. Love the colors of this fence.

Oh! P.S Leave a suggestion for any music I should look at! I'd love so see what you all listen to.