Winners called, and I got hired! Orientation tomorrow, and I am pretty stoked. I'm still not sure about the hours, but I figure the best idea is to work hard for two weeks and show them what a great employee I am then ask for a reduction in hours if I need it. That way, there is little-to-no chance that they'll turn around and go, "Ehhh, no we'll just hire someone else."
I got that call on the way to the gym, so I was just bouncin' and then jumped on the scale out of compulsion. Number is down, but I'm going to update once a week because I understand that it could be water weight or that something might happen and I don't want to freak out about it.
I work tonight at the restaurant. I've been working casually as a hostess for a few years now and I mostly like it. In the summer, it's pretty slow so I just bring a notebook and some pens, maybe a crossword book and chill. The worst part is working around food, and the fact that the manager keeps a stash of jelly-beans and gummies in the hostess stand... so tempting. Otherwise, it's great. I work tonight, and on Friday. These next three days are gonna be busy but I love that.
Just a quick update, <3
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
So, This One Time...
So this one time I spent 16 hours at an amusement park...! Yeah, yeah. It was unbelievably fun. The girlfriend I went with is so fun, and we're so alike... she really pushed me to try rides (I'm such a scaredy-cat when it comes to rides!) that I would never have done myself. I usually get pretty anxious in crowds, but we kept moving and kept talking enough so I didn't think about it hardly at all. More impressively, at least for me, was that there was a concert on the grounds and I spent 3hours in the mosh pit! A) it was only my 3rd live concert, and B) the first time in a mosh pit. 5000 + people! We started in the 15th row and ended up in first. I took a candy-apple to the shoulder, but it was SO worth it. It's crazy how, yes, you're all trying to reach the same goal - the front of the stage - but at the same time you're looking out for each other... picking gum out of hair, yelling at people who throw things... it was good times.
I was a little scared throughout the day about food, because I knew if I ate nothing I would get sick on the first ride. But, thankfully, I avoided nearly everything that came my way. In the end, the damage was about 1400 which looking at now is scary, but considering the entire day was spent walking/moshing I'm not even second guessing it.
I also felt kind of bad because we talked about eating disorders on the way home. My friend is over-weight and round, but I honestly can not see her any thinner, she just pulls it off so effortlessly. I hate lying to her and saying I don't get it. It brought me to thinking about whether or not I classified myself as having an eating disorder... and I don't know yet. It's a scary title to have. It brings about so many negative thoughts, and the thought of the inevitable recovery or the hospitalization extreme is frightening. It doesn't make me want to stop losing weight though. I'll have to stew over it more.
Today, I didn't wake up until 1pm, so I didn't accomplish much other than cleaning the house and a nice 40 min walk. Kept intake below 300 cals easily, unfortunately it was all consumed in one take because my mom came home early and -to avoid one of her meals of pasta and meat sauce- made some eggs and had a yogurt for desert. She's getting suspicious again, which is annoying, but what ever.
After jumping on the sketchy scale here at home, it read 135, which is not right at all but is down from the last time. I got all happy about it again then caught a glimpse in the mirror and starting examining... So far to go yet. I'm starting to wonder if 130 is going to be only my first goal. I'm almost there, yet no where close to how I want to look.
Time has just flown by today, it feels like I just got up and its already past bedtime for my full day tomorrow.
I was a little scared throughout the day about food, because I knew if I ate nothing I would get sick on the first ride. But, thankfully, I avoided nearly everything that came my way. In the end, the damage was about 1400 which looking at now is scary, but considering the entire day was spent walking/moshing I'm not even second guessing it.
I also felt kind of bad because we talked about eating disorders on the way home. My friend is over-weight and round, but I honestly can not see her any thinner, she just pulls it off so effortlessly. I hate lying to her and saying I don't get it. It brought me to thinking about whether or not I classified myself as having an eating disorder... and I don't know yet. It's a scary title to have. It brings about so many negative thoughts, and the thought of the inevitable recovery or the hospitalization extreme is frightening. It doesn't make me want to stop losing weight though. I'll have to stew over it more.
Today, I didn't wake up until 1pm, so I didn't accomplish much other than cleaning the house and a nice 40 min walk. Kept intake below 300 cals easily, unfortunately it was all consumed in one take because my mom came home early and -to avoid one of her meals of pasta and meat sauce- made some eggs and had a yogurt for desert. She's getting suspicious again, which is annoying, but what ever.
After jumping on the sketchy scale here at home, it read 135, which is not right at all but is down from the last time. I got all happy about it again then caught a glimpse in the mirror and starting examining... So far to go yet. I'm starting to wonder if 130 is going to be only my first goal. I'm almost there, yet no where close to how I want to look.
Time has just flown by today, it feels like I just got up and its already past bedtime for my full day tomorrow.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
143.5, Impending Doom and Excitement
I was holding off weighing (half because of anxiety, half because of tomorrow's trip to the dreaded/awesome amusement park) but this morning, I couldn't resist and had to jump on that annoying thing. It read 138.5. I had a mini-heart attack, and immediately called BULLSHIT. Sure, that would be awesome, but I certainly have not lost 10+ pounds in the last week. Sooo at the gym today, I jumped on the professional scale (I usually go by this one because it measures higher and more realistic) and it read 143.5. Excuse me while I SQUEAL with delight. That's about 6 pounds in the last 7-ish days.
I've actually forgotten how amazing losing fat feels. I'm not a muscle-y person... definitely fit and more muscle than fat (about 22% body fat), so when I lose weight there is an immediate difference... So happy right now. I was ecstatic and smiling like a mad-man when I waltzed into Walmart later on to buy some diet pills (I got SlimQuick because my mom is on them too and if I accidentally leave the bottle out or something I can pass it off as hers and use the "I felt bloated excuse") and reward myself with some organic chai tea. My dad and mom only drink Earl Grey, and your basic Orange Pekoe so I have to buy my own. I have, of course, the ever-needed stash of Green tea but that gets boring real quick. Chai feels like a cheat hot-chocolate to me. Still 0 cals though!
Speaking of which, intake counts for today...
Mango - 135
Carrot - 30
8 ounce low fat yogurt - 80
Green tea - 0
Chai tea - 0
Total: (+)245
Exercise....
Elliptical (1hr) - 600
Callisthenics and weights (45mins) -140-ish
Walk (25mins) - 90
Total: (-)870
Doom is impending... there is an amusement park trip tomorrow with a bunch of friends. Now, we all know the food at theme parks constitutes heart attacks on a bun. I, thankfully, persuaded my friends to have a picnic and pack lunches. I have a large-looking lunch packed, but it only comes in at 170 cals, 54 of that is negative food. I'm also bringing a Curves 100cal snack bar to curb the sweet tooth around dinner, but lets be honest here, something will call me and I won't be able to resist! I've come to terms with that, and I will allow myself ONE calorie and fat-ridden treat tomorrow, whether it be ice-cream or mini-donuts (always small/kiddie size ;P). If I can help it, I'll find a friend to go with to Jugo Juice or the frozen yogurt place and get something there, but I doubt my friends will let me get away with that. Oh well. We're there for a good 12 hours, walking around for even a fraction of that time will burn some calories.
Lacking of money is always a good excuse too.
Once I get past that and accept the fact of one treat, I'm super excited. I'm a ride junkie and I can not wait for the adrenaline rush! I am, actually, pretty much just stoked on life atm.
I have another dilemma, however, regarding jobs. Winners seems fail proof - close to school, the gym and home; also importantly not close to any fast food places. However, they want to hire me for full time 30-ish hours a week. I'm okay with that, it'll keep me busy, but... it’s also summer. I've never worked a full-time summer job, so I don't know what that actually means. Urban Trade, though, isn't opening till August, and only needs part-times. I'd love to work at the mall, but obviously I'm losing out on a months income. And it is NOT close to school, the gym, or home. But I'd love to work at the mall. It also means I could just chill this month... I don't know. At this point, I'm thinking Winners despite the hours... maybe I'll talk to the manager on Tuesday and ask if they'd still hire me part-time.
I always feel bad writing such long posts, even though no one reads them... sorry? Haha.
<3 Wish me luck tomorrow!
I've actually forgotten how amazing losing fat feels. I'm not a muscle-y person... definitely fit and more muscle than fat (about 22% body fat), so when I lose weight there is an immediate difference... So happy right now. I was ecstatic and smiling like a mad-man when I waltzed into Walmart later on to buy some diet pills (I got SlimQuick because my mom is on them too and if I accidentally leave the bottle out or something I can pass it off as hers and use the "I felt bloated excuse") and reward myself with some organic chai tea. My dad and mom only drink Earl Grey, and your basic Orange Pekoe so I have to buy my own. I have, of course, the ever-needed stash of Green tea but that gets boring real quick. Chai feels like a cheat hot-chocolate to me. Still 0 cals though!
Speaking of which, intake counts for today...
Mango - 135
Carrot - 30
8 ounce low fat yogurt - 80
Green tea - 0
Chai tea - 0
Total: (+)245
Exercise....
Elliptical (1hr) - 600
Callisthenics and weights (45mins) -140-ish
Walk (25mins) - 90
Total: (-)870
Doom is impending... there is an amusement park trip tomorrow with a bunch of friends. Now, we all know the food at theme parks constitutes heart attacks on a bun. I, thankfully, persuaded my friends to have a picnic and pack lunches. I have a large-looking lunch packed, but it only comes in at 170 cals, 54 of that is negative food. I'm also bringing a Curves 100cal snack bar to curb the sweet tooth around dinner, but lets be honest here, something will call me and I won't be able to resist! I've come to terms with that, and I will allow myself ONE calorie and fat-ridden treat tomorrow, whether it be ice-cream or mini-donuts (always small/kiddie size ;P). If I can help it, I'll find a friend to go with to Jugo Juice or the frozen yogurt place and get something there, but I doubt my friends will let me get away with that. Oh well. We're there for a good 12 hours, walking around for even a fraction of that time will burn some calories.
Lacking of money is always a good excuse too.
Once I get past that and accept the fact of one treat, I'm super excited. I'm a ride junkie and I can not wait for the adrenaline rush! I am, actually, pretty much just stoked on life atm.
I have another dilemma, however, regarding jobs. Winners seems fail proof - close to school, the gym and home; also importantly not close to any fast food places. However, they want to hire me for full time 30-ish hours a week. I'm okay with that, it'll keep me busy, but... it’s also summer. I've never worked a full-time summer job, so I don't know what that actually means. Urban Trade, though, isn't opening till August, and only needs part-times. I'd love to work at the mall, but obviously I'm losing out on a months income. And it is NOT close to school, the gym, or home. But I'd love to work at the mall. It also means I could just chill this month... I don't know. At this point, I'm thinking Winners despite the hours... maybe I'll talk to the manager on Tuesday and ask if they'd still hire me part-time.
I always feel bad writing such long posts, even though no one reads them... sorry? Haha.
<3 Wish me luck tomorrow!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Quick Edit
I was looking up the amount of calories in a mango, and the "fact" that it was a negative calorie food came up. Not that one could really not count it because of that but it's an interesting theory...
What do you all think about "negative calorie foods"?
What do you all think about "negative calorie foods"?
Feels good to be back
Today, I have consumed a mango. 135 calories. I've done 300-ish cals-blasting.
I saw a movie, ate no popcorn or drank pop. Actually, the movie we saw was Public Enemies. It was actually fantastic! Johnny Depp is still a babe, while still being serious and acting with no trace of Jack Sparrow. Perhaps there will be more on this later, I went with Wizzard after all... he tried to get me to kiss him. Awkward.
Anywho -- I'm off to a year-end concert where there will be food and drink, but I have already set up a stomach-ache story with my chaperon (one of my friends that I always party with - she's mormon, though, so I call her my chaperon because she never gets drunk or too out-of-control) so I plan on not eatting there either, but I may have to have some pop or something - yay for aspertame.
It's been a really, really splendid day.
The title of this entry is "feels good to be back" because for the first time in a while, I feel alive. I smile without needing to. I walk happily, think about things. It's not numb any more.
It's also the first day in almost 2 months that I've had a deficient intake. A seriously deficient intake.
<3
I saw a movie, ate no popcorn or drank pop. Actually, the movie we saw was Public Enemies. It was actually fantastic! Johnny Depp is still a babe, while still being serious and acting with no trace of Jack Sparrow. Perhaps there will be more on this later, I went with Wizzard after all... he tried to get me to kiss him. Awkward.
Anywho -- I'm off to a year-end concert where there will be food and drink, but I have already set up a stomach-ache story with my chaperon (one of my friends that I always party with - she's mormon, though, so I call her my chaperon because she never gets drunk or too out-of-control) so I plan on not eatting there either, but I may have to have some pop or something - yay for aspertame.
It's been a really, really splendid day.
The title of this entry is "feels good to be back" because for the first time in a while, I feel alive. I smile without needing to. I walk happily, think about things. It's not numb any more.
It's also the first day in almost 2 months that I've had a deficient intake. A seriously deficient intake.
<3
Friday, July 3, 2009
Blogging day
I was thinking today, on my way over to the job interview (more on that later), about what I should do to motivate myself more. People always rave about blogging, esp. ana and weight-loss themed ones, but I've never been able to stick to one. I'm doing okay for this one right now, so maybe it'll help. It's better to try than to admit defeat, right? So, I got home and searched out some good blogs and favorited them, or followed them.
It is motivating. For now, anyways.
So, the job interview went okay. It's kind of an admittance to myself of normal-dom. I've spent too long in my honours-class-volunteering-award-winning-bubble. Retail, here I come! That's not entirely true, actually, but they just want references and I get scheduled. Full time summer @ 10+ dollah. I like this. Money and work, it's so perfect.
The general feel of it is nice and fun organized chaos. I haven't ever worked a "real job", so I look forward to it. I'm flip-floping between the disappointment of losing the internship, the fantastic idea of being busy again - on my feet, earning money, away from home and food - and learning something new and being around fashion, and the slight annoyance at the idea of working fulltime through my summer. More positive than negative though.
Blah blah day. No exercise beyong walking to and from the bus stop - my legs felt like lead all day. I'm pretty sure it was from the 1000 cal work out yesterday, which sucks because I'd like to think I could keep that up, but obviously that's not possible yet. But, also, I had a decent amount of food - but stopped eating around 4pm, so thats ok. I tend to binge alone in the morning so I look forward, especially, to the idea of working early morning and not having that oppurtunity.
And now I'm ranting.
Wizard is lending me a "life changing" book. I almost ALMOST snuck out with him tonight. Sigh. I wish... I wish that someone, him or someone else would tell me I am pretty, worth it... that they want to be with me. But its just not gonna happen until... well, not for a while. God damn. It's upsetting to think about, really. I can't even go into it right now. I don't have the energy for it.
It's been a really really long time since I've felt hunger, like, legit hunger. I'm feeling it now. And I'm remembering how much I love it.
Tomorrow I'm going to buy diet pills. Those motivate me too. I need the energy. Time for bed.
<3
It is motivating. For now, anyways.
So, the job interview went okay. It's kind of an admittance to myself of normal-dom. I've spent too long in my honours-class-volunteering-award-winning-bubble. Retail, here I come! That's not entirely true, actually, but they just want references and I get scheduled. Full time summer @ 10+ dollah. I like this. Money and work, it's so perfect.
The general feel of it is nice and fun organized chaos. I haven't ever worked a "real job", so I look forward to it. I'm flip-floping between the disappointment of losing the internship, the fantastic idea of being busy again - on my feet, earning money, away from home and food - and learning something new and being around fashion, and the slight annoyance at the idea of working fulltime through my summer. More positive than negative though.
Blah blah day. No exercise beyong walking to and from the bus stop - my legs felt like lead all day. I'm pretty sure it was from the 1000 cal work out yesterday, which sucks because I'd like to think I could keep that up, but obviously that's not possible yet. But, also, I had a decent amount of food - but stopped eating around 4pm, so thats ok. I tend to binge alone in the morning so I look forward, especially, to the idea of working early morning and not having that oppurtunity.
And now I'm ranting.
Wizard is lending me a "life changing" book. I almost ALMOST snuck out with him tonight. Sigh. I wish... I wish that someone, him or someone else would tell me I am pretty, worth it... that they want to be with me. But its just not gonna happen until... well, not for a while. God damn. It's upsetting to think about, really. I can't even go into it right now. I don't have the energy for it.
It's been a really really long time since I've felt hunger, like, legit hunger. I'm feeling it now. And I'm remembering how much I love it.
Tomorrow I'm going to buy diet pills. Those motivate me too. I need the energy. Time for bed.
<3
Confused
I read a book recently called Purge. It was about a bulimic and her time in rehab. It's one of the most frightening things to read a researched, truthful recount of a person with serious serious issues, or as she put it, "screwedup-ness", and realize that you've thought and done the same things. Not saying, to any extent, that I have an eating disorder. Body dimorphism, maybe. Extremely-low self esteem, perhaps. Depression, probably. But, to classify myself as someone with an ed... I don't think is right. I haven't lost enough weight for it.
If any thing I would be an exercise-bulimic. I love, cherish, the idea that I can burn off the calories that I consume. Today, for example, I burnt off over 1000. OVER 1000. It took nearly 90mins, but I did it! And now, how can I ever go to the gym again without reaching that milestone? It happened when I first breached the 400 cal/ workout, then the 600 cal/ workout... 1000 is excessive I know and I am exhausted but it feels/felt SO good.
I also can't (now) find the will to keep a calorie count. I was able too for a good solid 2 months, and I lost so much weight. Something has clicked, for now, though, that says - "You can't do this again".
Restricting is another thing all together - I don't consider it part of an ed. I mean, most of all its just common sense. I have a few rules - no dips, open faced burgers and hot-dogs, 3/4 veggies - 1/4 chips/pizza/burger whatever junk, only diet soda, middle slices of cake (only one face of icing)... little things that add up.
ANYWHO.
I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm kind of stoked. I really want to work there (Winners), but at the same time, if I don't get it, I can actually start just living. Fuck it. Go visit people, chill with friends, spend some time at the gym and stampede. I'm good with either, I just want a direction.
He, lets call him Wizard, was being charming again. Never mentioned him, he just keeps slipping back into my life. I worry about him, his drinking, his hate... I know he doesn't have any issues with food, but he sometimes won't eat cause he's not hungry or cause he's too drunk to remember to... he's far far far lighter than I am. Which really pisses me off.
I haven't been me lately. And I know that. But I'm not sure what to do. I'm in limbo. One moment happy and full of energy, the next tired and pissed and wanting to binge on shit. THAT is another thing I got from reading Purge, I REALLY wish - genuinely wish I had a) perfect, impenetrable teeth and b) the courage and stealth to purge.
The scale hasn't moved much, if any. I fluctuate so easily it's ridiculous. But, even though my thighs grow, my stomach shrinks - so I'll take the small win. I'm realising how much I have to lose that is fat, not even paranoid weight, but legit fat... I'm not sure if it makes me more depressed or more determined.
Contemplating on whether or not to go to a sleep over tomorrow. The people... eh. It's awkward. I don't really talk to them. And they survive on sex, drugs, pepsi and pizza and I know that's all that's gonna be there. No diet soda in sight and pizza the only alternative to carpet. Maybe it is something I'll avoid. Do a zoo trip or something... other than video games and sitting. Not that they have to worry about it, 'cause they're all so damn thin.
I'm thinking I'll pull out of tomorrow and try to get some shit done. Go to the gym again. Maybe I'll have a movie night or something. Find something to watch.
Alone on a friday night. who's really surprised?
Not me.
If any thing I would be an exercise-bulimic. I love, cherish, the idea that I can burn off the calories that I consume. Today, for example, I burnt off over 1000. OVER 1000. It took nearly 90mins, but I did it! And now, how can I ever go to the gym again without reaching that milestone? It happened when I first breached the 400 cal/ workout, then the 600 cal/ workout... 1000 is excessive I know and I am exhausted but it feels/felt SO good.
I also can't (now) find the will to keep a calorie count. I was able too for a good solid 2 months, and I lost so much weight. Something has clicked, for now, though, that says - "You can't do this again".
Restricting is another thing all together - I don't consider it part of an ed. I mean, most of all its just common sense. I have a few rules - no dips, open faced burgers and hot-dogs, 3/4 veggies - 1/4 chips/pizza/burger whatever junk, only diet soda, middle slices of cake (only one face of icing)... little things that add up.
ANYWHO.
I have a job interview tomorrow and I'm kind of stoked. I really want to work there (Winners), but at the same time, if I don't get it, I can actually start just living. Fuck it. Go visit people, chill with friends, spend some time at the gym and stampede. I'm good with either, I just want a direction.
He, lets call him Wizard, was being charming again. Never mentioned him, he just keeps slipping back into my life. I worry about him, his drinking, his hate... I know he doesn't have any issues with food, but he sometimes won't eat cause he's not hungry or cause he's too drunk to remember to... he's far far far lighter than I am. Which really pisses me off.
I haven't been me lately. And I know that. But I'm not sure what to do. I'm in limbo. One moment happy and full of energy, the next tired and pissed and wanting to binge on shit. THAT is another thing I got from reading Purge, I REALLY wish - genuinely wish I had a) perfect, impenetrable teeth and b) the courage and stealth to purge.
The scale hasn't moved much, if any. I fluctuate so easily it's ridiculous. But, even though my thighs grow, my stomach shrinks - so I'll take the small win. I'm realising how much I have to lose that is fat, not even paranoid weight, but legit fat... I'm not sure if it makes me more depressed or more determined.
Contemplating on whether or not to go to a sleep over tomorrow. The people... eh. It's awkward. I don't really talk to them. And they survive on sex, drugs, pepsi and pizza and I know that's all that's gonna be there. No diet soda in sight and pizza the only alternative to carpet. Maybe it is something I'll avoid. Do a zoo trip or something... other than video games and sitting. Not that they have to worry about it, 'cause they're all so damn thin.
I'm thinking I'll pull out of tomorrow and try to get some shit done. Go to the gym again. Maybe I'll have a movie night or something. Find something to watch.
Alone on a friday night. who's really surprised?
Not me.
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