Flying through the Clouds

One of my favorite things about flying is the time you have. Maybe it's just me, but the feeling of suspension in the air, the marvel of being 40000 feet up in a metal-fibre-glass behemoth... it's so calming. It's like all time stops as you seemingly float through an endless expanse of white fluff, yet in the back of your mind you know you're speeding.

I didn't sleep most of the 5hour flight, maybe 40mins in total. I tried to read, but it was dark and the poor little girl beside me was so tired so I didn't want to turn on the light. Instead, I pulled out my notebook and drew... then started to write. Nothing in particular, just words and thoughts. Eventually, I started writing out some goals and motivations - obviously pertaining to my ednos mentality. Here is what I wrote:

(Thin)k goals
1. Gain nothing.
2. Lose 10ilbs before school.
3. Lose inches off thighs.
4. Get into a morning exercise/stretching routine.
5. Stop binging when bored and upset.
6. If you want a bagel, eat the bagel. You'll eat just as many calories trying to avoid it.
7. Find somewhere to post goals, inspo, reasons.
8. Take fashion, style, and modeling (see later in the post) seriously.
9. Reach ultimate goal of 120ilbs.
10. Do not cut. Do not purge.

Why?
Because
-Anytime I fail...
-Anytime I'm rejected...
-Anytime I'm left out...
-Anytime I remember I'm graduating...
-Anytime I remember I want to be valedictorian...
-Anytime I can't stand the pressure of perfection...
-Anytime I'm so busy I can't breathe...
-Anytime I stand on the scale...
-Anytime I ace that test...
-Anytime I take a step closer to success....
I have this.

Everyday I will start my day with:
One good thing -
On bad thing -
A really good thing -
Focus goal -
Big why -
Something to look forward to -

It's me self-medicating, but who knows, it might help.

I'm watching my aunt and mother unload groceries for tomorrow's big feast. Pop, chips, cake, burgers...oh, wait, there is some Fresca (best diet soda ever <3)... some fruit, veggies... tomorrow is gonna be hard. I did good today, max 600cals and half hour swimmin' around. Tomorrow will be really difficult, but there will be lots to do I hope, lots of food prep. I've promised myself that I'll go for a power-walk first thing tomorrow, and that'll wake me up and keep me motivated.

Anyways, on one last quick side note -I applied, on a whim of masochism, to a local photography agency who was in need of grade 12 models (I assume for something grad-eqsue) and they phoned back... I have an interview on Wednesday night. More motivation? It's scary, scary.

I also, in preparation for school and I guess now this crazy interview, I bought a fat cleanse system. Apparently it's super-effective and gentle... kind of wish I brought it now to get a head start, but it's only 20 days and I want to lead it up to school.

Freakin' out a little about tomorrow. Wish me luck and sorry I'm missing on all your comments/posts lately.

Anxiety Attack

I went to bed at midnight yesterday, and stared at the ceiling for an hour thinking. My heart started to race, I got cold and clammy and dizzy. I was thinking about university, about my academic and volunteer goals to get scholarships, about residence, about weight, about people (immature assholes, to be specific... thanks for the love guys, I totally agreed with you all!), my weight, celebs/models.

It has been... well, I guess about a month now since my last real real anxiety attack where I couldn't just mediated and let it wash over. I had to get up and research universities, look at pics, email around, think, draw up some poster designs. I ended up passing out around 4am, woke up at 9 and have been scared to get out of bed, even though I have so so much to do which is making the anxiety creep back - my heart is still racing.

On the bright side, I might fall asleep on the flight tonight... I've been running on low-sleep and low-food all week.

Did you know Mariah Carey is 140ilbs at 5'9"? I wish I could feel good about that.

Letharg-o-vision

Firstly - two more followers! Bonjour!, thanks, and <3 you all.

The light at the end of the tunnel. We've all heard the expression, usually it symbolizes hope and reaching a goal. For me, today, it was the complete opposite. The end of the tunnel was something to the get done, my to do list that grew throughout the day, and the tunnel was this dark, cold, awful place. Today, I couldn't muster the energy to do much of anything productive. After my friend got called in to work (yes! no cake!) I basically sat down and read, watched a movie, lazed on facebook, read some more... you get the idea. I played with my camera a bit, but, to add to my counter balance of reasons to not get out of bed, it was cold and rainy out side.

Weight went down to 139... does that even count? I don't think so. Especially because I didn't do anything today -sigh-. I was thinking about how I think I'm going to manage during this next week while surrounded by family and their food. Anxiety was creeping up on me, but then I thought back and realized that I am going to be ok. Main reason being, I hate eating food at other people's houses. Is that just me? I always find it... not awkward, but, I suppose, more mannered than eating at home... does that make sense? Probably not. What I mean is that, since you were a kid, at a friends house or at grandmas, you were taught that if you were offered a cookie - you took one, and only one unless offered another. You were taught it was rude to laze around or sulk - you had to get up and play with the friend, or make conversation or help clean! The more and more I think about it, maybe this trip will help me get on track even more. There will be 9 kids in the house, only 3 adults, then about 100 people for the actual reunion... who will notice what I do/don't eat? Lets be honest - no one. AND, like I said, it'll be mostly bbq but I have braces now... so no corn on the cob, no ribs, I don't eat steak or hamburgers...

Another big reason that I may find it easier to restrict while away is... well, this is a bit embarrassing, but being the small world it is, one of my crazy complicated relationship fatalities lives next door. I apologize, but there is no easy or short way to explain this so here's the dirt -

In grade 10, I got to know this guy named Niles, and he was in my Social AP class... along with my 2 of my best friends. Now, no lies, he and I had a serious thing for eachother. I was very shy, so was he, blah blah blah we never asked each other out - but my friends were constantly teasing us. So, one day, I get this text message; "Flip a coin.", from my two friends. My response, "For what?" Their response, "For everything or for nothing." Now, this is something they would do. Not thinking of it, I call the coin toss and I lost. So, without my knowledge, they start texting, facebook messaging and emailing Niles with messages like "Greene has the hots for you" and "You should ask her out" and "stop being a douche!". Needless to say, he stopped talking to me.

Over Christmas break I found out about this. Embarrassed, I called him and left a message saying sorry and that was it. I was pretty crushed, but I was getting over it... until I walked into French class 2nd semester and guess who was there. He sat in front of me for 2 weeks before we talked. That semester was hit and miss, we still flirted and worked together, but nothing happened despite less dickish pushing from another classmate.

That summer, whilst he was still on my mind, but only on the edges I found out, first hand, he had a summer cottage next door to my cousins in Nova Scotia. Terrific.

First semester grade 11 I had another class with Niles, an art class (who knew he was artsy?!). At that point, we flirted shamelessly and talked - the teacher even commented on it. However, I was getting a little tired of being pulled around and I could never get a straight answer out of him, so I started liking this other guy, Wizard. I sat between Wizard and Niles in this art class (I am amazing at compromising myself, aren't I?). LONG story of a semester short, Niles and I ended up working on a big project together. On the last day of class, we were talking and he said something about resolving his past and how he'd rather talk about shit that goes down than avoid it and never really know someone.

Sounds like he's leading me into talking about grade 10, right? That's what I thought. So, I brought it up. He clammed entirely, said nothing and left at the bell without giving me my copy of the project to hand in. Dick move even without considering the conversation bit. During the exam break we made 5, count them - 5, plans to exchange this "file" but he never showed up.

Our conversations since then have been limited to the occasional facebook conversation that lasts about 10 mins.

ANYWAYS, he knows when I'm there this week and he's said he'll come see me. Is it bad I still carry a torch for him? Either way, the moral of this is... I'll be in summer clothes and smite me down if I am bloated. He is a big provoker of the questions I ask myself often, Why not me? Why am I so scary? Why do guys hate me so much? etc etc. So, seriously, I need to look good - if not just to punish his stupid bum.

Reason 3 for thinking this trip will be easy, (yes I'm STILL talking about this), I hate hate hate flying with food in my stomach. I love flying, but for some reason my stomach reacts badly to it on take-off and landing (and last I heard, those were kinda important)...

Sorry for rambling. Someone commented on my last post about liking my writing style... you can take it back if you want now ;p Also, first pic from my new camera!

WHAT a day

It was another day of nose-bleeder heights, and serious lows. It's late and I have a ton of work to do tomorrow, so I'll keep this short (or to about a normal blog post length for the general person, ;p ).

Woke up and went for a 2hr bike ride. That's right. 2hrs, outside, in nature. It was spectacular. I was thinking as I rode (and didn't fall, imagine that!) about all the intellectual sounding metaphors and parallels I could use here comparing myself to the forest/prairies, and theories about how my perspective of time morphs when I'm outside... Naaaaah. It ended up being my only major exercise for the day - save for two walks - but still, it burnt approx 1000cals, and THAT is not counting the death-hills that...cause death. The park I went biking in is shaped like a W. Seriously, so painful near the end because there is this great looming mass of HILL to get home and you're like, WHY GOD, WHY!?!

Or maybe it's just me.

At that point, I was running late and grabbed a Luna Bar (either that or an oatmeal bar,100 extra cals!). It wasn't until the bus ride that I realized that was all I'd had. Felt great! I maintained that at my friends house, drinking only some green tea, until her lovely mother decided to make homemade cinnamon buns. Okay, so there is moderation and then there are cinnamon buns. You can't refuse someones mom, especially because this was the friend, Oce, who knew I was trying to lose weight blah blah blah. Anyways, no cream cheese icing which is the real killer anyways. Went for adventures in the local park, chatted and bitched. It was good, despite the mass of carbs and sugar in my empty stomach. It was one of those two hours where you feel like... a failure, but are forced to maintain the smile... so tiring. On a snide note, I was on the see-saw with Oce, who's so hot and gorgeous and athletic, and even though I know she's so much more muscular than me... it felt good to be the one in the air.

Then, and this is the best part, my mom picked me up and we went to buy my camera. I ended up getting the Canon Eos Rebel XS for about 680$ with a 3 year warranty and whatnot. I. Am. BEYOND. Stoked. I've been interested in photography for years, and it really my one creative outlet... kind of like giving a painter a brand spanking new set of 100 colour paints to replace an antiquated set of 20. I'll post some pictures once I play a bit. The sticker shock is getting me a little, but how I've worked it out with the 'rents is that it's a loan for about 400$ (i'm paying 300$ upfront), a privilege for being on the honor roll, and I'll pay it back in monthly 50$ increments. Not so scary anymore.

Tomorrow I'm kind of scared for because I'm having a girls day with one of my gay friends. We're baking, watching chick flicks and talking - he just got dumped. THANKFULLY I persuaded him to forgo the ice cream cake (original plan) and we're baking some low-fat chocolate angel food cake instead, with strawberries. I'll bike the 20 mins to his house, and back, so that with maybe a rollerblade should do me ok.

Still maintaining an annoying 140. I think I'll go down tomorrow though, I didn't eat much after the bun, just a small piece of lasagna and a small pear. I feel dizzy.

So much for a short update, sorry!

Grey Day

I've been having food/fasting/binge/weight dreams lately. My father or mother coming home with armfuls of creampuffs, toaster pops, ice cream and me devouring it all and popping out of my clothes. There was another were I woke up in the dream and went to weigh myself in and I broke the scale. In another, I was in an anorexia clinic. I was walking through these white-wash halls, glancing in rooms at these sick, sick girls, their bugged out eyes following me and talking -but I couldn't hear what they were saying, it was just monotonous buzzing- and I passed a mirror and I was slouched over, absolutely massive. I wake up thinking I've binged and feel absolutely terrible. They're just dreams, I know, but... There was another when I was swimming in a pool of pills (presumably diet pills).

Speaking of which, I've run out D=. Thankfully though, my mom bought more and she doesn't notice if I take a few. Recently, because a friend recommended them, I bought a bottle of Niacine pills. They are metabolism boosters of sorts, and my friend swears by them - she's lost like 40ilbs (granted, she is still about 50ilbs over weight). Tried one. Holy jesus. The Niacine flush is absolutely awful, even if it did work I couldn't stand the burning and flushing the chemical caused. It's supposed to happen, I guess, but still. Jesus it was uncomfortable!

Yesterday was a bit of a gong show - in a bad way. It was my brother's 16th and he got to choose what we would have for a family dinner. Lasangia and cheese cake. Shudder. I persuaded my mom to make a vegetarian version for me, but my idiot dad served a portion like 4times what I would have served myself - ugh. I ate about 3/4 of it, but then the same thing happened with the cheese cake. My family, especially my dad and this brother, J, have an extremely tense relationship and at the table my mom was glaring me down being all, "If you make a scene out of food tonight of all nights...." So I ate it quitely, but slowly. I just really want these last 10ilbs gone!

In more exciting news, and I mean really strangely exciting, I was invited - like legit invitation via snail mail - to a keynote speach by an ex-Olympian for International Youth Day... by the Governer General of Alberta! After the speach, we're going to the government mansion for a reception. Holy cow!!!! I'm so stoked. The weird thing is that I didn't sign up for anything International Youth Day activities, so I must have been nominated... but whoever did didn't tell me. Totally out of no where, but hey, I'm not complaining.

Later this week I'll be leaving for a family reunion (i'll still be posting, I'm bringing my laptop). I'm kind of worried because it means a lot of bbq food and shit. However, it also means a lot of time in bathing suits. Hopefully I'll get scared out of eating because of having to wear a suit everywhere.

Short-ish post, I should be cleaning right now. I have a story to tell you all about another nerve-wracking thing happening, but no time. I'm also gonna get my camera! Canon XS (pushing for XSi though). Yay!

<3

Everyday is spendliforous!

((EDIT:: Yay another follower! <3))

Oh! I don't even know where to start! These last few days have been so up and down, my head is in a whirl.

Firstly, and primarily why I'm in such a good mood (if you can't tell), is because I've maintained 140ilbs for the past 3 days, so I know that's where I am! It made me so unbelievably happy to be back to that number, because there is safe. I want to lose more, but, for now, here is safe and bottom line. NO MORE! Anyways, it was a perfect set up for my shopping spree today. I've had this 100$gift card to the local mall just stewing in my wallet since Christmas, but I haven't felt confident or happy enough to actually go out and shop till I drop. 100$ might not seen like much, but I shop clearance. The damage in the end was 1dress, 3shirts, 1shorts and 1cardigan. Then, my mom and I bought a pair of shoes we can both wear, but she paid.

It felt SO great to go out and have the confidence to slip into clothes and look in the mirror and find yourself looking GOOD in them. Albeit, there is still some problem areas (thighs, omg), but my stomach has slimmed down nicely. I even tried on a size 0 dress - and it fit everywhere except for around my hips. If there was 2 more inches of fabric... They only had a size 0 and a size 6, so oh well.

ALSO I went electronics shopping and I can get a Canon DSL on a payment plan for like 20$ a month for a year...I can TOTALLY do that. So okay with it. Means I can get an mp3 now and a camera now, but pay it off - I am working after all. My parents also FINALLY replaced my stolen bike with a nice, lightweight mountain bike/commuter bike. I can exercise more and get around easier now, so that's spectacular.

I just reread this post so far and it sounds so pathetically teenage. Not that it's bad... that's just not usually how I am... So now I have to speed-tidy my room and dress, then I'm off to a movie. I have more to say, but I have to run. Enjoy this little burst of girlishness - it rarely happens with me!

<3

(p.s this shot is one of my favs from Jamaica).

Revalations and resolutions

I know it's only one missed day, but for me, because I have ready access to the computer, to not update at least once a day is avoiding. I was avoiding and I apologize. I didn't want to post, I felt I couldn't post because I've been so horrid with eating and exercising these last few days. There is really no excuse for it either. The worst/best part is is that I haven't had the heart to beat myself up over it. Sure, after I finish eating, for a grand total of about an hour I have the urge to purge, but I have yet to actually bring myself to successfully do it. I've been standing over the bowl, finger in my throat, but nothing has come out. Writing this now is embarrassing and it's making my heart flutter with anxiety - I've not kept a promise, or fulfilled a goal. My head has been scattered, my thoughts so erratic and fast like lightening jumping from cloud to cloud. I had actually think about what I was going to write about here, and plan it out visually. Still, I'm already rambling...

The strangest thing happened yesterday, I was walking to the gym after work (so terrible, I hate cash. Too public, too engaging) and I was thinking about something random when I was about to cross the street. I checked over my shoulder to see if there were cars coming - and lo and behold a bus was driving down. Suddenly, this image of me throwing myself in front of the bus, blood spattering on the windshield, came to mind. It's not like I was anywhere near the curb, nor was I feeling suicidal, it just popped into my head. The weirdest thing is that after it did, I felt much better - not that I was feeling terrible to start with, but definitely down.

Between then and earlier today I've been thinking hard about why it is that my resolve has been so shaken. Why I've been allowing myself, encouraging myself even, to eat and eat and overeat so suddenly after I'd been having so much success, and I believe I've figured part of it out.

I've never been an impulsive person. Even as a child, from stories my mother tells, I thought about actions before I did them. As she says, I was a "poetic" child, content to kind of just stare at a leaf or a pond while the other kids swam or climbed trees. For some, the emotion of love, or frustration, or hate are overwhelming. For me, it's anger. It's the one thing I have an issue handling, one of the only feelings I react impulsively to. That is how my self-harm started obviously, and I think it has a part in my ED too because now, since the last time (I think it was friday) that I cut, I've been swinging between numbness and hopelessness, feeling little, and avoiding anything that would make me angry or being unable to get angry. Being disappointed or hating myself added to the anger that added to my body dismorfia and preoccupation with eating. But now, since my bloody release, I have no anger, so I've swayed from one extreme to another.

This numbness and hopelessness, instead, has manifested itself in an annoying lack-of-interest or care on my part. My usually organized room is a disaster, I haven't hung out with friends in days. I spent 4 hours on the lawn today, in front of a trampoline, reading because I couldn't be bothered to do anything else. The countless calls and emails and places I want to go are piling up and I get anxious about it, but not enough to do anything. I'm forget full, neglectful, and sluggish. I get like this often. I'm thinking this time, whatever this is, it won't last long because I'm already making plans to pull out of it. I need to get things done, and decisions need to be made. Somehow, I have to pull it together.

All this came about while I was thinking today - having time to just read or stare, albeit unproductive, is nice because I have the ability to come up with these connections about my own state of mind. I'm no psychologist, but I like that I can make the connection. Even when regarding my dysfunctional family and our many issues, when I tell my parents theories about why issues are issues in our house, or what to do about them, they look at me - dumbfounded, like I've just revealed something brilliant, when to me it's the simplest and most obvious thing. It's one of the reasons I've always kind of considered working in the mental health field.

Anyways, now that I've rambled on for... a little too long, I suppose I'll move on to the more trivial matter. Well, not so trivial. In an attempt to motivate myself, I weighed again before leaving for the gym-140. Then, I weighed at the gym, same clothes and before working out-144.5. Now, I know the scale at the gym is about an ilb heavy, like when nothing is on it and you set it at 0 it isn't level. But, talk about frustrating! Which should I trust? Or should I just average it out? My home scale is a bathroom scale, and the gym one is a medical one. Ugh. Either way, most of the binge weight is gone somehow - obviously water weight.

Tomorrow, I'm giving an orientation about one of my big volunteering exploits that I've been with since grade 8... so about 4 years. I'm pretty excited, for two reasons. 1) I go into this super energetic, strong, eloquent mood when I'm presenting and talking about volunteering things. 2) It forces me to go to the gym early and eat little. I don't know if I'll be counting calories tomorrow, I don't think I'll have the resolve for it, I certainly don't right now but we'll see. I also want to clean and reorganize my room tomorrow, there is a serious need for it!

Was driving home with mom from the gym, and she was praising me for all the motivation I give her to go to the gym and exercise. She was telling me how amazing it is that I have the will to care about fitness and health and nutrition at my age. If only they she knew. Cue guilt.

I love photography. The picture for this post is something I took last summer in Toronto of my Dad and my brother. They have the most volatile, idiotic relationship, yet when no one is looking... That's another thing. After working with Digital SLRs this year in Media class, I need need need to get myself a manual camera. My 5year-old 5.0megapixel Canon compact digital just aint cutting it anymore. They're so expensive, but I'm thinking that'll be my first major purchase with pay from Winners. Sigh.

Sorry for the length, thanks so so much for the comments. 8 followers!