Such a great day...Day 2 Down

Hey everyone =D I laughed so hard at the comments left on my last post! What on earth is happening to our society? Also, new follower, hello and welcome. 18, wow. <3 <3 <3

So, as the title suggests, Day 2 of fasting was a success... Even though I kind of cheated with some Coke Zero and 0 cal mints. It's all still 0 cals, but artificial sweeteners blah blah blah. It's alright though. The one thing I hate about fasting is the water weight retention. When I weighed this morning, I was up at 145 (which is so not right), then dropped to 140 by mid-day, and I'm sure is less now but I can't get at the scale. What is up with that? Actually, does anyone know why, while fasting, your water weight fluctuates so much? Or is it just me?

I haven't done this well fasting, or been this positive about it...ever. I know what the factor is too - it's work. Right now, we're really busy, and today we had like 5 people call in sick. I was supposed to be putting new merchandise on the floor, but I think out of the 8 hours I worked, I spent 3 hours doing that. The rest of the time was spent covering breaks, going on cash, running to fitting rooms, doing price checks - everything! I love that. I love not having time to think, and more so, I love being needed. It's a little pathetic, and it's probably why I can never say no to people, but I have this serious, pathological need to feel worth and feel needed wherever I am. So, when I hear a call on the intercom for me, I feel this quick, uplifting happiness. And when I did maybe have time to think, I was too busy being a perfectionist. I don't know if anyone here has ever been to a Winners, but it's kind of like a consignment store in that there is everything, everywhere, and there is always more stuff to make room for - so it's never 100% organized or even 80% organized. It's very OCD of me, but, for example, working in shoes and being told to just pick shoes off the ground so it is easier for the morning staff to clean and not worry about if they're in the right section... oh it kills me! KILLS ME. Between being OCD in a perpetually unorganized store and being busy and running everywhere, there is no time to think about hunger or to get depressed.

I work again tomorrow, and I haven't hit the wall of depression that fasts usually entail for me, so if I can sneak around my dad in the morning, I will fast too. Actually, the hardest part of tomorrow is going to be avoiding food after closing at Winners - because a friend-of-a-friend is picking me up right from there to come babysit until who-knows-when. I'm terrible for taking advantage of the "eat anything you want" policy of parent-partiers. I'm bringing my laptop, so hopefully they have internet and I'll be able to distract myself with internet, tv and exercise. Wish me serious luck on that one.

If you can't tell, I'm feeling the cleansing energy and happiness of today. It's actually the first time in a long time I've truely felt anything. I spent my entire childhood... pretty much right up until this years year-end cast party in June, hiding my emotion, bottling it, being content feeling perfectly numb. It's hard, now, to feel anything. Most of the time, even on this blog, when I say "I feel" something, I am regurgitating what I think I should feel. I'm trying to break myself of the habit. Being known as the cold-hearted bitch is no fun.

Speaking of being a bitch, the bestest parts of my day were when one of my co-workers (who's the big-latino stereotype - big hair, big makeup, big earrings, big accent. Love her) teased me about falling into a customer, and how he probably didn't even feel it, I was so skinny. The second best part was when I got an email from E. And how he ended it telling me how "spectacular" I look in a bikini. I don't even have the hate in me to refute it =D

Sorry no picture today, I transferred my pictures to my external hard drive by accident. This is one of my favorite paintings though, so it'll do.

Size Kids-7 Designer Sandals/ Day 1

Okay, I have to give a little rant here - so, sorry. So most of us pay attention to fashion, celebs and beauty trends, right? Riddle me this. Since when do 8 year olds need/care about/want 130$ designer shoes?!?! I was organizing shoes today, and this 8 year old (gues-timation) was throwing a bitch fit because her mother wouldn't buy her designer (Prada maybe? I forget) sandals! She needed them for school. If her mother didn't buy them, she wouldn't ever talk to her again. The vastly less expensive ones by A&E (Like, 16$ maybe) were, and I quote, "Fucking shit" and "Not special enough".

Technically, I am part of this generation, but WHAT THE HELL? I wanted to slap that kid upside the face and be like, "When I was your age, if I had shoes that fit I was happy!!! You tool!!!" I sighed and ignored it until, get this, the child pulls out a BLACKBERRY. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What in the jesus?!?!

Sorry. /rant

Fasting went splendid today, though it was bad planing for the beginning of the day because I slept in and didn't have time to hydrate. For anyone who has fasted/will fast knows the importance of hydrating while fasting! About half way through the day, around 3, I had my lunch break and downed like 2 cups of chai tea and a litre of water. I was happy and now I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow.

These three days will be so great, and hopefully I'll be able to get back on track. 5 ilbs is a lot, but I'd love to get down to 135 by Sunday... I'm working full 8-hr shifts these next few days, in the middle of the day to the evening and parents aren't home in the morning so I have no monitoring...which is the only reason I'm able to do it. I'm extremely sensitive to the "I'm disappointed in you" look, and my mom is sooo good at it. My dad...well he can go die. I'm sure one day he'll piss me off enough to explain why I have so many issues with him, but it's making me angry just thinking about the subject so lets not.

Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to make it to the gym in these next days because of the fasting and the work hours. It sucks, and I'm seriously craving it. It's raining here too, so biking is out. I'll walk to and from work, which is at least an hour and then walk the dog... do some sit ups and squats and what not, but it's not much. I guess even 200 calories worth of exercise is still good though, since there is nothing going in! I'm terrible at over-doing it while I fast too, and I'd rather not black out in the public again - so I guess it's a good thing.

I came up with another idea for the photo shoot - which by the way, thanks everyone for your support! I'll totally need it when the date come, cause watch me be a nervous wreck! In grade 7, I shaved my head for kids cancer research, and raised 3000$+ for the cause. I still have a few of the beanies and hats that I wore while I was bald. It was an experience that changed my life, I proved to myself I could do whatever I wanted and that I could be confident. It was a test, really. And, of course, I had lost people to cancer. Looking back now, since my grandpapa has died, the experience is even more potent. So, in maybe the last few frames, i'll mess my hair up really good (I can make it go sudo-afro) and wear one of the hats. I really like the idea, it's very special to me.

I've been terrible at reading all your blogs ladies and gentlemen, so i'm off to do so!
<3

*happy dance*

Guess who got booked for a shoot?
Me.

It's extremely informal, I do my own make up and styling (which is SO exciting), and bring my own props to represent my interests and accomplishments. Ooommggg. The photographer was so great and hilarious and flaming.

I have a few weeks to think - I'm definitely bringing my camera, but what else? How do you represent social justice, volunteering, youth voice, and stage management?!

On a worse note - eating was terrible today. I'm fasting tomorrow, and maybe the next day, and if I can get away with it the day after too. It's just so much easier to not eat anything at all.

<3 Thanks for the comments everyone!

138 & Catchup

Thaaaaats right, down 2 ilbs. Thank JESUS. It's not much, it's not much at all, but it's still something! There isn't much better than losing again after a week of plateauing. I'm really pleased too because of the crazy eating of the last few days while I was away, I was scared I was gonna be back at my start weight. I have a secret hope that more of it will drop once I get regular again (tmi?). I swear to god, fruit and veggies and whole grain are foreign words to my east-coast family (love 'em, but really?!). White toast and eggs and bacon for breakfast, grilled cheese or sandwiches for lunch and big, extravagant dinners where the only veg on the table is the salad...slathered in dressing! From even a normal persons point of view, there is a serious lacking of fibre here!

I apologize to everyone for two reasons; one, for missing a few days here and leaving you with such a terribly titled post, and two, for how long this one is going to be! I did have this long list of things to talk about, things that dawned on me while away - but I've lost it, so we'll see.

The plane ride home was a roller coaster of depression, you're so bored all you have time to do is think about everything. I was, at one point, watching this show called More to Love. It's essentially The Bachelor for over-weight/ "curvy" people. I actually got very emotional. These beautiful girls crying and sobbing about never being loved for the way they looked, giving examples of the cruelty of our vain, image obsessed culture. I related to them, because the "fat people deserve love too" mentality is something I cling to... Then I look at the numbers, 5'5 and 190ilbs and up, and I realize I'm thin to these people. I should not have these thoughts of hate. I felt very annoyed with myself for not loving myself - they can, why can't I? It makes me wonder... ok, even if I am not over-weight, I have the same experiences as these big big girls - what the hell is wrong with me?!

And then I started thinking about E., the reunion-guy. He's a teddy bear, not obese by any means, but over-weight sure. He also has severe plaque psoriasis (I have a minor case myself), yet when I remember him now, I still think he is very handsome. When I was around him, I was constantly thinking, "How are you this confident?". I'm a hopeless romantic, if you can't tell. We're not going to go anywhere, but he's certainly one of those long distance friends who you connect with and will call first instead of people who you see every day.

When I turned the channel, I landed on Intervention. One of the addicts was a bulimic stripper. When she spoke of her life, her hate and her reasons for "filling the void". I got really upset because I began to admit to myself that I had no good reason to be so hateful of myself, I had no good reason to starve myself or to self-harm. So, I must be a selfish, vain bitch. Cue cycle.

Then, just because I'm a masochist, I turned to Say Yes to the Dress. Can someone say love, marriage, and loneliness fears?

To add to all of this, there was a baby in front of me who screamed the entire way and I had a major allergic reaction to hell knows what. My face broke out in hives (lovely) and was hot and itchy. I had a hard time breathing. Everyone was asleep, thankfully, so I just sat through it. The pain distracted me sometimes.

Yesterday was a bit of a disaster, I was going to fast and then my mom started to make ribs. I knew if I wanted to avoid it, I'd have to make something to eat myself. But then she just kept looking at me, glaring with that all-knowing mom-glare, so I had something else... and more... and more... it wasn't a terrible binge, probably 800-cals, but still not happy. I went babysitting and didn't eat anything and did situps/bicycles/etc for an hour. When I got home, my lovely brother had brought home 4 pizzas for dinner. I couldn't resist chew-and-spitting (my only method of "purging") like 3 pieces. Disgusting.

I'll update later again tonight because my modeling interview is today. It seems very informal and there isn't a weight/height requirement so I don't really know what to expect. I'm freaking out about it, but I plan to avoid as many carbs as possible and keep cals low low low. I have lots to do, so no gym time for me, but I will do the 45min walk to the bank, then walk to the drugstore, then home, so all in all it should be a 1hr30min walking day + some body exercises.

Here's a recent (and still gross) pic of me. I really need to lose those thighs! But I need to put it up so I can have a before and after. The other pics of this post (I hope they kept you slightly interested!) are some of my favs from this trip. Isn't my cousin gorgeous? Her eyes are spectacular. Anyways, I'll be back later I'm sure. Wish me luck, lovelies.

<33

Quickie (you know you like it)

That there is about the extent of my ha-ha mood right now.

I'm just sitting in the airport, trying to avoid the anxiety of the thousands of eyes around me. The trip was great on several levels, and terrible on others - I'm sure I don't have to elaborate. When I have time, I'll go in to greater detail. Despite the obvious pitfalls and depressors, this trip left a lot of time for reflection. More, again, later.

I'm still alive-ish. Plane is here.

HI new followers too <3

Lets start with a lie...

So this one time I met someone at a family reunion (don't worry, we're not related), who lives hours away and I'll probably never see again... And... I don't know if I really like him, or if he just mystifies me. Maybe a little bit of both. I'll have to sleep on it, and see how I feel in the morning.

I feel like I'm tied to two horses.

Horse#1- Hate. (the part that's convinced he couldn't like me, I was just the only girl his age there, why not? fat, fat, fat, ugly, ugly, failure...)
Horse#2-Hope.

If each of 'em pull just as hard.... what'll happen to me.

20 questions: His first, what's your favorite food?
Me, um.

Masquerade

First, my apologies to my new followers - hello, you rock. 14, wow.

Well, welcome, and here's looking at me - a total and utter failure. I can't even...imagine the number of calories I consumed last night. I can't even... muster the enthusiasm to think about the modeling interview when I get back, they're just going to laugh and turn me away... McDonalds is two doors down!

I had compulsively over-eaten before dinner, then had so much food (stayed away from buns/burgers though... not even a small victory) and dessert. Before 6pm I had a mask on. Something to hide the hate, something glossy over the fake smile while one hand pinched the fat and another shoveled food in. By the end of the night, I even considered tried to purge in my grandmothers home. How pathetic is that? I am so disgusted with myself right now.

Excuse my french but fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I've undone all my work. Weak, worthless fuck.

Now it's time for a the traditional family brunch - eggs, pancakes, french toast, hashbrowns and traditionally, cake. I'm cringing. I can't stand it.

But watch me eat it.

Fuck "self-medicating".
Fuck trying to be happy.
Fuck excusing it.

I've failed.