Monday, February 1, 2010

Anxiety > Binging

Trying to explain/justify why I haven't posted in a week would be a waste of your time and mine.

In general, there was no reason - just busy. Sometimes there was a reason - nothing new. I'm in a foul mood at the moment due to how terrified and frustrated I am with school and the prospect of post secondary. Today marked DAY ONE of the last semester of obligatory school in my life. Tonight marked 4hrs of looking at homework papers and questions, crying and having no idea how to go on with my life (or, the thought crosses my mind, if I should).

The tightness of major anxiety is back in my chest, and I don't like it. It's too early for that shit. Too freaking early in the semester. In the week! University is ravaging my soul (yes, it is supposed to be that dramatic) and I'm so insanely terrified of making the "wrong" decision. Even if, at this point, there is no "wrong" choice. People keep telling me to "go with my gut feeling". A) I am. My gut is effing confused. B) My intuition has a long, long history of sucking major hairy balls.


Plus side is that I am so focused on my anxiety that my binge urges are being suppressed. They're still there... just below the surface. But, someone in me is yelling: IF YOU BINGE YOU'LL WASTE TIME AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

I feel like such an idiot. My chem class has an entering average of 82. I had an 88 coming into the class. That's an outstanding mark, and with these people - it's average. I spent 4hrs doing 15questions of review. Shit I should know, but don't. So frustrated with myself. I can't screw up. I need this course. I need it to go to university. GOD why did I take electives that aren't worth anything? I have no wiggle room at all.

Moreover, my goals of 14Day Challenge.... were not met. Any of them. Perhaps the music one was, but that hardly counts. It's like: OK, lets look at everything you can possibly succeed at in the last month...well, you failed that... and that... and that... and that...etc.

I know I'm being overly dramatic, so my apologies for the "my-life-is-harder-than-yours" preach. Because it's not. People do this and do it successfully with boyfriends and stick-thin bodies and a social life and scholarships. Boo-hoo me. I suck. What the fuck now.

Picture is a fitting goodbye to a failed challenge. Sad, demon eyes of a girl too consumed with herself to be any good. To whenever I write next, <3


Ana's Girl said...

Try not to worry about it so much, hunny. You're absolutely right when you say there is no wrong decision. You don't have to declare a major for a couple years and if you end up going to a university you'd rather not be at, you can always switch later on.
Correction, your mark going into chem is not average: it's above average, even to those people. Maybe not by a whole lot, but it's still above! Remember that. You are not average! You are better.
Hang in there, love.

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