Saturday, February 20, 2010

I can't tell you all how many times I have opened up this page in the last week. Tonight is the first time I've gone far enough to actually click "new post". I don't know why I have been avoiding it... I honestly don't know.

It's been a hard week. I mean, looking back, outwardly, I was OK. Save for Friday when I couldn't even pretend anymore, my week seemed decently OK. Everything was OK. It's always OK.

Meanwhile... I don't know. Every day I woke up feeling fat. I had dumb, vivid dreams of random meetings and occasions - meaning I didn't really sleep and that never helps. Everyday I made resolutions to fast or exercise. Every day I didn't. I failed (below 85) a few tests... my entire last math unit. I don't understand my classes. I feel utterly trapped in my own inadequacies. On Friday, in my tech class, I blanked for a second. I was so upset - so suddenly too. I walked out of class, walked under the theatre and spent a good five minutes slashing at my wrists with blunt, stage paint encrusted fingernails... And then I came back into class and no one even noticed.

No one ever notices.

I nearly considered jumping out infront of a car tonight. Messy. And, even now, I don't regret it. My life isn't that hard. Why am I so dramatic. I need to pull it together, I'm falling apart.

I'll write more tomorrow, I promise. I actually do. Sorry.


Kay said...

I don't know if you remember me, I used to post a lot then took off - and now I'm back :)
I'm sorry you're having a rough time... but from what I've read (and I know I don't know you buuuut still) you're not inadequate; you're very intelligent and absolutely gorgeous.
"It'll be better in the end, and if it's not better - it's not the end" *cringe* Yep, it's cheesy.
I know saying it doesn't do anything, but I hope you feel better tomorrow <3

- K

SmallerStill said...

High School's a bitch. I use to feel the exact same way! It did get better with University though. I know that's never what anyone wants to hear, "It'll be better."

But really, once you get to university you'll meet more like minded people. It also helps that you're living with them. It's a lot harder to ignore someone when you're living with them.

Hang in there! I'll even leave you with another cheesy quote (this happens to be a favorite of mine.) "Just because you can't feel the sun, doesn't mean it's not there hiding behind the clouds."


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