Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Walking In Circles

@Kay: Of course I remember you :) Welcome back isn't the most appropriate statement to use, but the sentiment is there!

@SmallerStill: Cheesey quotes are always good. Thanks!

@foreignobject: My family dynamic is extremely complicated. I'll try and write about it more... The easiest way to explain it is that, for me at least, I've always been the 2nd mother. The parents were gone a lot/ there were 4 toddlers running around at the same time and I was the oldest. I was type A from birth. So, I've felt "grown-up" and "responsible" since I was like 10. Now that my brothers are a little bit older, they don't see me as a sister or a "friend" at all - I'm their mother. And I feel the same way about them - and not in a particularly protective way - in a do-your-chores-stop-being-mean kind of way. My mom was always there to offer love to us, but I was the one who made sure the kitchen was cleaned and the laundry was done. As for my dad, well, that's another long story. Another time.

Anyways. I'm doing some hard-core emotional rollercoastering lately. On Tuesday I was so upset that people actually started worrying and asking about it (which is a feat for me and my mask of perfection). The pressure of my grades, my commitments... the fact that the year is drawing to a close and I haven't accomplished anything real and the fact that I started my period and was bloated/craving all to hell. I refused to wear anything by a super-baggy shirt and kept looking down at the excess fabric, and I kept convincing myself it was fat... anyways. I have gained in the past while - about 5ilbs. I do attribute most of that to the week of my grandparents being here and my mom not being here. You can't say no to them... and then I was PMSing and... it's all bad.

But on Monday I went to the gym... and I have plans to exercise tomorrow and Friday. Part of my issue is that I have no motivation besides emotion. I used to walk every night for like an hour or so, so by the time I got home I had centered myself and could focus on work and resist food. But ever since September, grade 12 hit me like a pile of bricks and I feel like I can't spare the time. But I need to start.

So, yesterday was terrible. Today wasn't great either, but I bought food at school despite forgetting lunch and having a perfectly good reason to skip a meal. I bought a calorie-laden coffee concoction after school on my way to a meeting just because.

And thinking back... I am not OK with it - but at the same time I'm not feeling anything bad about it. Today. I know I've started using food as a coping mechanism... scratch that, I'm just using it more as a coping mechanism... and I'm using school as an excuse. I don't want to skip any meals because I won't be able to focus - and I'm screwed enough in my subjects as it is.

I'm neutral right now... and as such, I am not going anywhere. We'll see how long that lasts. I don't want to fall back into the constant depressive cycle of active ED behaviour and destructive behaviour like before... but, hell, I do want to find somewhere in between.


Ana's Girl said...

I know just what you mean. I've yet to find that in between place, but one of these times, we WILL find it!

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