Sunday, February 21, 2010

Thanks everyone :)

I woke up feeling a little better this morning - in a terrible, mean way. Here's the story: When I went to bed last night I noticed that my brother (the next youngest, the one who fights with my dad, smokes pot and steals/lies constantly) had snuck out. Long story short, he'd locked himself out and ended up having to ring the doorbell to get back in and my grandparents (who are here now). There was a lot of swearing, and there was a lot of him proclaiming he was "fucking sorry".

Anyways, he's in deep shit. And he knows it. So... point of this wonderful family heartwarmer is that I feel asleep listening to him cry and mumble and throw things in his room. I'm caught because he's lied all his life. He does anything he wants and the entire family is devoted to appeasing him so that my dad/mom don't have to deal with his shit. We've spent 30K plus on trying to "fix" him - therapy, tutors, coaches etc. My parents would forget about picking us up because they were fighting with him.

So do I believe him when he apologizes? No. Do I revel in his groundings? Yup. So, I'm sitting there, thinking about the differences between myself and my brother, how we've each developped our own "issues" and I just ended up crying and crying all night. Irrational exhaustion was certainly apart of it, but another part was that I sit there and I look down on him even though we're really in the same spot. Our only difference is that my parents know and recognize his issues because he's not smart enough to hide them.

Anyways, I woke up to a huge grandparent-esque breakfast. Been eating, baking and sitting all day... I don't know. I don't feel bad about it today. I'm just... yup, I'm a pig. Gotta live with it. That'll change tomorrow, or the next day I am sure. Just having a swing day.

This week is going to be insane crazy busy... so I'm sure that by the time we hit Tuesday, I will be done. This week is going to go by so quickly. I want to... I don't know. I want to accomplish something with my life - the bigger picture. Actually, hilariously enough, in my half asleep daze, I considered turning my brother in the the school counselor and being all bo-ho he's a drug addict and I'm his caring, perfect sister. Hahahahahaha

I'm such a bitch.


Anonymous said...

I used to hate my older brother when I was living with him and my parents. We both had issues and were so caught up in our own problems that we couldn't acknowledge each others needs and problems.

Now, four years after moving away from home, he is my best friend. I love him more than anything else in the world and I tell him often. We have coffee together roughly once a week.

What changed things for us, I think, was being honest with ourselves, but more importantly with the people around us and each other. When he finally came out (he's gay) and people around me started acknowledging that something was def. wrong, we found a common ground - I think we've helped each other a lot through the years. I know his advice has saved my life a couple of times.

Do you want to be closer to your brother(s)? Hvae you thought about being friends with them, having a real relationship based on feelings and not just blood? I would really like to know more about your relationship with your family - especially your siblings.

... My impression is that American families generally aren't as close as many European families. Or maybe that's the wrong way to put it; what I mean is that I very rarely meet or hear about Danish families/people who have the kind of shitty relationships that seem common to American families. What do you think?

Ana's Girl said...

I don't think you're a bitch for feeling that way about your brother at all. It seems as if he's brought it all on himself. And as for you and him being the same as you both have issues... nope! You're stronger because you don't have the need for everyone to know yours.
Enjoy your grandparent time, dearie.

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