Torn

The end of the year is upon us.

I reflect on everything that has happened this year, and I get this overwhelming sense of failure and disappointment. No boyfriend. no job. no maintained weight loss - even worse no more self-confidence. This year has changed... destroyed me. Maybe destroyed is not the best word.

I used to be this super chatty person - now I find it hard to hold a one-on-one conversation. I don't know why. But... especially because I'm scared that I'll tell someone something I don't mean to. As much as I am concerned with other people's image of me, I also don't want them knowing I care. I also don't want any attention, but at the same time I want someone to pay attention....

Its sad to think that the statement "I used to be okay with myself" is a lie. I hated myself in Jr. High, I just didn't relate it to life. No... every time I fail, or get a mark back or someone makes a comment... everything springs. its the only time I feel like I am thinking any more. Otherwise, life is a blur. It's numb.

I've gained a lot of weight, beyond even healthy - much beyond goal.

I don't know if I have an eating disorder. I swing in and out. I certianly have the mind set, just not the motivation to actually do it. I'm an emotional eater. Binge eater. But with the mind of an anorexic.

CW:151
LW:122
HW:165
GW:130

Those numbers are... nothing like any other ana. 100ilbs. What I wouldn't give. But I can't do that. I'm 5'9", I nearly passed out at 122. In my mind, I want to be 130. That's perfect for me. But, I know that 135 is healthy. And therefore justified.

Even knowing that, I can bring myself to restrict again. it was hell... I think. Truth is I don't even really remember when I was doing the fasts, when I was restricting and exercising like mad... I don't remember what it felt like. I remember what it was like to feel LOOSE jeans that are now tight.

I guess, when thinking about all this, the next thing is how none of my friends noticed. And how no guys did either. I hang myself up on the unattainable. FML.

Gr.12s are done tomorrow. Most of my friends, the ones that have carried me through the year are leaving. What will I do without them next year? I don't know. I really, really don't.

I need to sleep (becoming less and less restful).