Thursday, June 11, 2009


The end of the year is upon us.

I reflect on everything that has happened this year, and I get this overwhelming sense of failure and disappointment. No boyfriend. no job. no maintained weight loss - even worse no more self-confidence. This year has changed... destroyed me. Maybe destroyed is not the best word.

I used to be this super chatty person - now I find it hard to hold a one-on-one conversation. I don't know why. But... especially because I'm scared that I'll tell someone something I don't mean to. As much as I am concerned with other people's image of me, I also don't want them knowing I care. I also don't want any attention, but at the same time I want someone to pay attention....

Its sad to think that the statement "I used to be okay with myself" is a lie. I hated myself in Jr. High, I just didn't relate it to life. No... every time I fail, or get a mark back or someone makes a comment... everything springs. its the only time I feel like I am thinking any more. Otherwise, life is a blur. It's numb.

I've gained a lot of weight, beyond even healthy - much beyond goal.

I don't know if I have an eating disorder. I swing in and out. I certianly have the mind set, just not the motivation to actually do it. I'm an emotional eater. Binge eater. But with the mind of an anorexic.


Those numbers are... nothing like any other ana. 100ilbs. What I wouldn't give. But I can't do that. I'm 5'9", I nearly passed out at 122. In my mind, I want to be 130. That's perfect for me. But, I know that 135 is healthy. And therefore justified.

Even knowing that, I can bring myself to restrict again. it was hell... I think. Truth is I don't even really remember when I was doing the fasts, when I was restricting and exercising like mad... I don't remember what it felt like. I remember what it was like to feel LOOSE jeans that are now tight.

I guess, when thinking about all this, the next thing is how none of my friends noticed. And how no guys did either. I hang myself up on the unattainable. FML.

Gr.12s are done tomorrow. Most of my friends, the ones that have carried me through the year are leaving. What will I do without them next year? I don't know. I really, really don't.

I need to sleep (becoming less and less restful).


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