Sunday, June 14, 2009

Numb is an understatement

I don't think i've ever felt so numb in a day before.

I can't think. I can't concentrate. I can't think... even more then ever I can't think. Sluggish...

I spent last night... all morning thinking about him. Thinking about what he didn't do to me. And how much it actually hurt... how much it actually effected me.

Then, I spent all day, all evening watching videos with plotlines revolving around eds... especially bulimia. I'm watching one now about cutting. I feel all this pain, I identity with these characters but I'm not doing what they are... it makes me feel like I either shouldn't have the pain, or I should be doing it.

I've never so seriously considered puking before. For the endorphins... and because I know I'll never be able to go back to what I was before... having deficits of hundreds of calories daily. I can't see myself back there.

But I want my body to be. I want something to be perfect because... I'm getting worse. My grades, my lifes, my future, my motivation... used to be so good and all I lacked was the beauty. I was okay with that because I had everything else. And now I don't. Now, I couldn't care less, nothing matters even though I desperately need it to. So what am I now?

A fat, horrible-skinned, average-grades, self-conscious, lazy, jobless idiot.

No one wants that.

Why would they.

I need a friend who I can talk to about this. I need someone who wouldn't judge. I need someone who would encourage me. Because... my friends make fun of me for being "anorexic" right now. they don't know that I was... or how bad it hurts when they say that because I really truly wish I was.

I've started working out more. Its a start. I just want to be wanted. I want to get those grades. I want to get a job. All these goals that I just can't fulfill.

Failure hurts so much. I just can't even do anything about it.

I insult my friends, I alienate myself, I wallow because I don't know how much more I can stand. If I lose it on someone or on myself, I don't know what the repercussions of that will be like. And I'm not sure I really care.


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