Friday, July 9, 2010

Cutting & Depression WARNING triggers

-warning, if you cut, this is probs gonna be triggering... so don't read if you're triggered by details-



I cut tonight.

Not like the "I'm at work and upset so i'll scratch myself with a pin" kind of cutting, or the "nick the skin" kind either. I, robotically, went upstairs when I came home from hanging out with my wonderful, loving, supportive friends and said goodnight to my parents. I grabbed a razor as I passed the bathroom, split it open with my jewelry pliers, took of my pants and slashed.

It's so.... discouraging. Above anything I'm disappointed in myself. All I feel right now is guilt. I let down my friends - they all knew something was wrong tonight and they all made an effort to make me feel better. But how can you tell a room full of people - most of them don't know I have any sort of anything going on - that you're feeling extremely self-concious, hopelessly lonely and overall worthless? You can't. I can't even tell my two friends who KNOW.

And you know why? Because the source of all this rests at what I wanted out of this year. Last year around this time, I was yo-yoing between starving and binging - I loved 8hr shifts so I could fast. I had few friends to ever hang out with and they all kinda of ignored me anyways. I cut almost every week.

Then, for my senior year I made some resolutions - none of which were followed at all. It's pathetically sad, but really all I wanted this year was for some stupid BOY to notice me and to prove to me somehow that I am... worth it? Pretty? More than a walking valedictorian? Someone who can step out of that friendship barrier and not judge... I don't know. I have daddy-issues, is that why I'm so boy focused? What can a guy give me that a friend can't?

I guess, with me, and with frickin' society, it always comes down to "at least you have your looks!" Well, world, you - my parents, my parents' friends, my friends, random people off the street - have told me I'm pretty. Guess what? No boy ever has. No boy has EVER been interested in getting to know ME. No boy has ever.... anything. So, when it comes down to the lowest of the low, and I'm trying to get out of bed and walk past that mirror hanging on the door, I can't convince myself that, "at least I have my looks", cause guess what? It's not getting me anywhere now, and I'm not sure it ever will. They can't understand that because they're all in or have been in a relationship that has fulfilled them somehow. They can't understand what it's like to not only feel an unequivocally unattractive failure, but to also have absolutely nothing to counteract it.

I wanted to have scholarship, I wanted to be skinny, I wanted a better job, I wanted... blah blah blah. I didn't want to go back to where I was last year - the blacking out, the obsessions. I didn't want that (all the time...) but that's the only way...

It hurts so much to think about spending the next few weeks with family members at a beach. They're going to see my scars from the past year, there is no doubt in my mind. Guess I won't be the "perfect example" anymore, huh? Well, shit. Whoops.

I'm so lost. I can't rely on school or drama anymore. I don't have any career goal or goal for university - which I'm going to be paying for the rest of my life. My awards and recognitions seem so completely irrelevant and undeserved. I feel guilty for having them. Someone who can appreciate their friends' and their situation and their gifts should have it. Not me. Because I'm to goddamned focused on what I don't have or have never had. I know this. I am aware of it and still I do shit all.

I know in my mind I can't control it necessarily, I want to believe its the chemicals and that it's not my fault. But, really, I know it is.

That's the part that hurts the worst.

2 comments:

Ana's Girl said...

Oh, sweetie... I honestly do know how you feel. There for the longest time, i had no boy taking a second look at me... and then i took a step onto the wrong path and became a slut, just so they'd notice me. They noticed me alright, but only because they wanted someone to have sex with. It's so hard to go without feeling like any guy will ever want you, but trust me, eventually one will--just for you, not for sex. Hang in there and wait. It will get better, i promise.

Yum said...

I'm so sorry...you sound miserable. It's awful to try to tell people how WRONG everything is, when they don't see a problem at all. That all-consuming guilt, that you KNOW you're really at fault for your flaws... that's something I can completely relate to. I'm really sorry, because it's HORRIBLE, and it's hard to get people to understand. I'm sending you mental hugs.

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