Saturday, June 19, 2010

Existential Crisis' and Fantasies/Delusions

I've been wanting to post about this forever, but I haven't been able to sit down and organize my thoughts until now. Not that they're organized. I'm just here now.

Starting on this one is going to be hard. I guess, the easiest thing to say is that I have no idea what's wrong anymore. I used to be insightful about my own self, my triggers and my motivations, but recently I've been confused about everything. I get manically happy (once in a blue moon) and motivated for no reason. Most of the time I'm in a haze, completely numb and complacent. I've come home after drinking and hanging out with friends (something that would usually pick me up) to contemplate cutting. I've stopped sleeping regularly, and I couldn't be bothered to study for my diploma's.

Where is that girl who swung between hate and over-achieving? Where is my ED self, the obsessive self, the self that wanted to prove perfection (even if it meant doing nothing)? What in the hell happened to her?

I had another awards ceremony yesterday - another huge award won by 69 students out of the countless thousands. All I could think was : "I don't deserve this". Because I didn't. The stuff I was nominated for, the stuff I won for, I quit months ago because I tried to live a life... not that that worked in the end.

Anyways, on top of that, recently... and I know this makes me sound crazy.... I've been daydreaming about being in an asylum. I've always had fun making up stories with characters in my head - like, since I can remember I've occupied time doing it. Characters... who have diseases, disorders, addiction etc. Projecting my own issues, I'm sure. Regardless, my most recent story is one of a girl - kinda like me - in an asylum, and how freakin wonderful it is. Anorexia, heroin and cutting are her issues (woah, analyze that).

Anyways. That combined with the general feelings of confusion recently has really set me for a whirl.

I need something to do to keep my mind off this. I'm working fulltime, but it's not enough. A new hobbie, or sport. A challenge. Or maybe I'll try the photography thing. Suggestions? How crazy am I on a 1-10 scale?


Anonymous said...

you are not crazy. ppl go through phases like this, when they just don't know where their head is at. Something to keep your mind off this sounds good. A new hobby or new sport is always good, and I love photography myself, why don't you try it? :)

Ana's Girl said...

With or without organization, it's always good to hear from you. And you're not crazy at all, hun!
Perhaps writing that story down (try it as if your writing a novel) will help you to project your problems and feel a bit better. Writing like that always helped me through tough times. I'd also be thrilled to hear this whole story. It sounds truly fascinating.

Anonymous said...

not crazy. you just admit to things many don't want to own up to. you're honest, and i see my own thoughts in yours.

as to the characters in your head, i absolutely do that too, and hey, I want to write for a living. i like to think it's a vivid imagination at play, speaking about things that many just don't think about because they don't understand despair or sadness - real sadness.

Yum said...

I totally understand the asylum thing. I've fantasized a lot about being crazier than I am. I personally think it's a desire to have the responsibility for being perfect taken out of your hands. Like, if I got Totally Bonkers, and get Locked Up Forever, then I'll no longer be responsible for anything ever! I'll no longer have to worry about being perfect! I'll be able to live in my own little world for the rest of my life! I will be OFFICIALLY CRAZY, and will never have to worry about "losing it all", because I'll have already lost it all.

It's weird to hate being inside your own head that much, I guess, but I feel the same way.

(Also, I've always made up characters in my head too...I love living other people's lives, even if they're horrible terrible lives.)

Samantha said...

omg, I've done the "making up characters" thing as long as I can remember... my homeless, underdog heroes were my favorites for a long time. The type that outsmarts authority, etc. The asylum thing... I def used to fantasize about getting locked away. Then I really was put in one and then another until I was going inpatient every couple weeks. I was a regular IP junkie! :) The biggest deterrent... $1200/day fees for being in a asylum.

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