Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Failure

I don't know what to do. I didn't cut that night, by the way, and foreignobject - if you can leave your email for me, I will keep in touch, I would love that. I went on vacation to Florida with the family and it was so completely stressful.

I know, right? On vacation and stressed out of my mind. I got so sick, nearly blacked out from heat exhaustion one day. I just... I can't live with my family. We're so full of shit, every single one of us. My brother, the eldest, is an ass but he's hurting too. My dad is so fucking ridiculous and so disrespectful and abusive... but he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and he is so convinced that he is right. He's so on his high horse, he doesn't care if he hits my brothers in public, he doesn't care that his children are terrified of him. He demands respect, but respects no one.

My mom has such low self esteem, she can't even contain it from me, despite the fact that she knows how much I'm struggling right now. It hurts to watch her, to take her shopping and leave empty handed everytime. It takes so much energy to not burst out, screaming "You're not the only one who thinks she's fat... Mom, we're the same fucking size stop cursing how fat you are, how do you think it makes me feel?" It's exhausting and I can't be around her, because I fear for my own sanity. And... I feel terrible for it, but I'm almost done. My respect for her dwindles every time she walks out of the room when my Dad goes off on a rampage. Why should I have to be the one fighting against HER husband to protect HER children? Why do I have to be the protector.

I tanned and lost 10ilbs while away, and I felt it. I felt so damn good. Sexy, almost. Like I finally could tackle the world, these last few months of school do it with vigor and intelligence. These last two days that I have been home, literally within seconds I go from sexy-model posing in the mirror to contemplating the razor or crying. I've spent two days holed up in my room, cycling through the roller coaster. And now, on the eve of going back to school, i have accomplished nothing.

My projects are not done. Assignments are not complete. I am more stressed out than before school went on break; I am more jealous and hateful and terrified of... everyone and everything I can't get.I can't justify anything to myself right now. I want to call my friend, I want to text her saying: "Tell me that I'm worth something, that's all I need to see, just type it back, please." But I know she is sleeping and I can't bother her.

I feel like a complete and totally failure on multiple accounts. My project fucking fails compared to others and I don't even want to hand it in. I don't want to go to class because I haven't reviewed and I'll look like an imbecile. I feel trapped. I don't even want to cut, I just want to sleep. I just want to die.

But, I can't do that either.

Utterly useless.

I'm not going to make it through the year. Right now, I don't want to.

I don't know what to do anymore other than fake it in hopes that it'll eventually become truth. Smile a happier, tanned smile than before. No, there is no hope. Not tonight.

1 comments:

Dot said...

Oh greene! Beautiful, itelligent, and worthy greene...I know EXACTLY how you feel. But, its not true what they say about faking it until its real. I'm a little older than you and know this. I've worn a mask for so long, and finally I broke and am barely functionable/in control. You don't deserve all this stress that's put on you. You don't deserve any of it. You are so smart and so gorgeous.
You should just say fuck it to those last projects. Honestly, you're a 2nd semester senior. None of it really matters. Have fun, and let go. Lot easier said than done I know, But I think about how stressed I was at school. And how scared I was of failing. My therapist repeatedly told me I needed a break, but I wouldn't listen...and then you know the rest from my blog ; ) I promised you I'd seek help in treatment for my ed, now you have to promise me to try and take care of yourself a little and not worry about everyone else so much.
Do you see a therapist at all? I really think seeing one is what saved me. Maybe you could possibly look into seeing someone?
Please take care and feel better.
-Dot <3333

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