20x0 is still 0

So, now it's 20 days later since I made that resolution to give... this up. To stop feeling worthless, to stop caring about what people have said to me... I came to the conclusion that... life is too short. That I had to change - and that it couldn't get any worse.

I was right, but it didn't get me anywhere. I had a few good days, I didn't cut, nor have I restricted/fasted/binged. My weight hasn't changed. I've become so much closer with my friends, and I've skipped my first class to comfort a friend who broke up with her boyfriend. I've brought my grades up. I've been honest.

I've told someone about last year and about the 3 months of eating disorder attitude... how if it wasn't for the blog I wouldn't remember anything. I also told her about the cutting, the depression. What's better? She understands - not the ED or the cutting - but the depression and the suicidal thoughts.

I'm not to the point of removing the razors from around my house, or to the point of texting her when I'm feeling low but... it's something right?

The hate is still there, though.

I'm still looking at pictures. Still thinking about blood and pain. About a future that is so entirely meaningless, and that I am entirely worthless. I am so used to the idea of death... I have come to the conclusion that life... everything ends. Death is inevitable.

And I don't know what to do know. I feel like I have tried everything in an attempt to move on and to get rid of this feeling... this hatred... this concrete perspective.

What's the point of even trying? Under all the layers of effort and masks and scars... the ugly me is still here, it's still present. It's still me. What can I do?

I need to feel something again. Give me pain, if that's what's real.