Selfish?

Day 2 is done and successful :) Don't know the cal count because I didn't keep close track of almonds and a dab of olive oil dressing, but it's close to, if not under, 1000. Wonderful.

So, for Christmas my "main" gift (all the kids get one) was an Archos Vision 3 mp3 player. It was nice and I needed a new one but - honestly - I really wanted an iPod Touch. But, I also knew it was more expensive then they would spend. So, I happily accepted my gift. But then I started to use it. Understand that when people buy things for me I feel terrible - like, I have dreams - if I don't use it or something. I feel like I'm disappointing them or I'd hurt their feelings if I returned the gift or regifted or something. Anyways, the Archos is more of a video player than an mp3. It was difficult to use, too big, and over all it was not what I wanted.

But, it was from my parents! It was their present. What was I going to do, go up to them and say: "so, yeah... this sucks" ? I agonized over it. Finally, and I don't know what made me do it, but I hinted to my mom that the iPod was what I was actually interested in. And I ended up convincing her to let me put down the difference (about 100$) on the iPod and return the mp3.

Why is this so important to me?

I did it for myself. Me. Last year I would have said nothing to anyone and I would have lived with an mp3 that I hated. I don't do things like that. I don't tell my parents what I want. I don't freak out if things don't work out the way I want them to.

But, it has made me think a little more on my own selfishness. I constantly tell myself that I had to take a step back and start taking care of myself instead of throwing everything that I have into school and clubs and volunteering and friends. But then I loop back to worthlessness and my need to be needed. But then I come to the idea that since I need to be needed, even though I don't believe myself worth anyone or really anything from other people, aren't I - in a sense - existing on an entirely selfish whim? Everything that I do is only to feed my obsession with being wanted. What is even worse is that I am in permanent denial about that.

But, dude, I bought MYSELF a completely material, relatively unimportant or helpful piece of BRAND NAME technology. Obviously, if I am worth an overpriced tablet with music, then I am worth some self-confidence?

And the loop goes on.

Together, we are three

I am you, and you are me and, together, we are three.
You, pain and me.
-Peer Gynt, Ibsen

School boards are the epitome of stupid. Ok, I understand blocking facebook, I do. Even I am guilty of abusing the WorldWideWeb while supposedly doing research on the FLQ Crisis... But, really? Hotmail, blogs, AND Bing? I'm sitting here on my spare, freaking out and about to explode from how stupid I am, and I discover this - my social connection (facebook) is gone, my organizational tool for life (email) is inaccessible, my only outlet for emotion (this blog) is blocked AND to top it freaking off - I can't even search thinspo in a nice, continuous format.

I actually started having a minor anxiety attack (which is so incredibly dumb). Thankfully, I hacked the system because I really, really need to just rant about how, once again, I have deluded myself and placed a large amount of trust in a fantasy (see last post). Sorry for all the ()s.

I lied. Z. and his girlfriend are tight and they are undoubtedly in teenage-puppy-love. He hugs everyone like that. He didn't even look at me at lunch today - just at her and her perfect, feminine self. Over the weekend I convinced myself that there was something there, that he is worth my attentions and that he should mean something to me. Why would I do that... Fuck. I always do this. I emotionally attach myself to someone who I know is unattainable. Then, inevitability, I am crushed and perpetually alone.

Even my friends seemed to ignore me today - oh, look at her, look at her! What a fool she is. Why is she here? She is not one of us, she is not worth our time. She hasn't accomplished anything. No friends, not wanted. She will contaminate us.

That is what their eyes said to me. I haven't cut in almost 6 weeks. I don't know if I'll make it through the day without something letting go. My heart is tight from yet another doomed infatuation. Why did I have to eat before seeing him? I feel sick now.

Holding steady at 140. This damned plateau. I want to get drunk, I want to cut, I want to yell and scream, I want to tell someone ( I hesitate as I type). More than anything, I want this pain to go away. The depression is creeping back, a monster on all fours, dragging me closer and closer.

And more than half of me wants to just let it win.