Keeping On

I didn't cut that night - or binge even. I went into my room and stared at facebook profiles and pictures of those who are hurting me. I found my dayplanner and went into another OCD manic episode, cleaning and organizing. Then, I cried myself into a restless sleep.

It's a pretty solid win for me, I think.

I feel myself easing back into this lifestyle - whatever this is. I go to bed promising myself I am going to fast, I wake up realising I have to eat something, but it is less than even what I was eating last week. I am hoping to go to the gym tonight and start whipping this lazy, fat ass into shape. I'll probably go even if I don't have the time to - I need the endorphins if nothing else.

Yesterday was awful. I was a zombie. An obsessed, sad, angry, hungry zombie without enough energy to even pretend to smile.

I was exhausted from 2 sleepless nights, so last night I just said to myself : "OK. Time for bed. If you aren't going to study or excersize, go to bed.... once you check facebook ONCE more." I ended up getting into a conversation about music and I realised how stale my music library was.

I ended up downloading/finding/ranting about new music until 1am. Ooops.

The new tunes have revitalized me though. I feel much, much better about things and I feel lighter. I'm no less convinced of my own failure as a person, but at least the world is a bit better, right? Anyways. I'll be posting pictures tomorrow, I think. I need to start being more accountable... to whatever magic people who actually read this.

Together, we are three

I am you, and you are me and, together, we are three.
You, pain and me.
-Peer Gynt, Ibsen

School boards are the epitome of stupid. Ok, I understand blocking facebook, I do. Even I am guilty of abusing the WorldWideWeb while supposedly doing research on the FLQ Crisis... But, really? Hotmail, blogs, AND Bing? I'm sitting here on my spare, freaking out and about to explode from how stupid I am, and I discover this - my social connection (facebook) is gone, my organizational tool for life (email) is inaccessible, my only outlet for emotion (this blog) is blocked AND to top it freaking off - I can't even search thinspo in a nice, continuous format.

I actually started having a minor anxiety attack (which is so incredibly dumb). Thankfully, I hacked the system because I really, really need to just rant about how, once again, I have deluded myself and placed a large amount of trust in a fantasy (see last post). Sorry for all the ()s.

I lied. Z. and his girlfriend are tight and they are undoubtedly in teenage-puppy-love. He hugs everyone like that. He didn't even look at me at lunch today - just at her and her perfect, feminine self. Over the weekend I convinced myself that there was something there, that he is worth my attentions and that he should mean something to me. Why would I do that... Fuck. I always do this. I emotionally attach myself to someone who I know is unattainable. Then, inevitability, I am crushed and perpetually alone.

Even my friends seemed to ignore me today - oh, look at her, look at her! What a fool she is. Why is she here? She is not one of us, she is not worth our time. She hasn't accomplished anything. No friends, not wanted. She will contaminate us.

That is what their eyes said to me. I haven't cut in almost 6 weeks. I don't know if I'll make it through the day without something letting go. My heart is tight from yet another doomed infatuation. Why did I have to eat before seeing him? I feel sick now.

Holding steady at 140. This damned plateau. I want to get drunk, I want to cut, I want to yell and scream, I want to tell someone ( I hesitate as I type). More than anything, I want this pain to go away. The depression is creeping back, a monster on all fours, dragging me closer and closer.

And more than half of me wants to just let it win.