Cross the Line

Today was really tough -- but in a completely different way then I am used to. Last night, I had my usual Sunday OCD anxiety attack and only got 4hrs of sleep... The day started off with a Math quiz that I got 70% on instead of 85% due to a stupid mistake on one question, so, tired and feeling shitty about myself in general, I plugged off to theatre where we participated in the exercise Cross the Line.

For those who don't know, Cross the Line means a few things: tears, guilt and unity. Essentially, you get a group of near-strangers (in this case my tech theatre class and a drama class) together and get them to swear to silence, nothing leaves the room, nor can you speak during the exercise. The teacher then proceeds to ask questions like: "If you like Oreos, cross the line." which evolve into "Cross the line if you've thought seriously about suicide in the last month." Each question has a meaning behind it - racial acceptance, seeing how we perpetuate hurt etc.

It was intense.

I decided quickly that, even though I wasn't going to be held to it, I felt strong enough to be truthful throughout the whole thing. I crossed when asked about suicide, abuse, knowing someone who was addicted to substance, being hit by a loved one, being teased for weight/race, self-harm... and you know what? It felt so good. Without saying a word, I told a room full of people part of my story. I had a friend in the room who just burst into tears when I crossed for suicide... and, god, it made me feel terrible. This poor girl, even just at the thought of it... I just felt so bad for even considering it.

After the questions were done, we sat in a circle and waited for people to start talking - and they did. I wanted to share so much - that I knew exactly what one of the girls who told her story about cutting when she was younger and how she's falling back into it and how, to cope, she's throwing herself into the musical, that I knew what she was going through. I wanted to tell how much it hurt to be in that circle - and how much I was happy for it because I was raised to present a perfect mask - to be emotionless. I wanted to thank everyone for proving to me it wasn't theatre that was wrong for me, it was that mean girls in Jr high said mean things.

And I could have, and almost did, but we ran out of time. I did, however, tell my story about my issue over my racial identity. How, for a long time, I couldn't identify with either side of my family - my mom's being white, anglo-saxon irish and my dad's being Caribbean/african because kids at school wouldn't accept me. I wasn't white enough for the Caucasian kids and I wasn't brown/yellow enough for the other ethnic minorities. Really, until a few reunions ago, I didn't feel like I belonged in my family, much less my school or my own skin. I cried, and I was proud for that.

And this was all BEFORE lunch time. From there, it was downhill. I was absorbed in thought, and really now is the first time I've been able to sit down and process it all day. I got overwhelmed with homework and projects, being left out of a get together and other random drama. So, I came home, had a mini-binge, and spent 3hrs on homework/organizing.

Now, my heart hurts for the girl who I found out is getting abused by her alcoholic father and for the guy who walked in on his sister trying to hang herself. For a while today I felt really guilty... and I guess I still do. These people come to school every day with a smile, they do what they do best everyday and they do it amazingly. And yet I wake up feeling fat and can't smile all day.

Part of me feels guilty, part of me feels lighter. Its not just me and it's out there now - I don't even care if people find out. I'd rather they know and get to know me and how I react and how I'm dealing with it. Part of me is really proud that - hey - shit has hit the fan at home. I'm sucking in my classes. I'm eating too much. I'm being a terrible contributor to my clubs and societies. But, I still haven't cut. I haven't full out binged. I haven't thrown myself into punishment fasting or exercise.

I'm going to be OK. And, until I am, I know now who I can talk to - and that my story is already kind of started.

So, I will keep on blogging, I promise, because I don't want to lose this method of expression because I'm not going to go from this to talking to people in real life over night. Plus, my followers rock. But, just a warning, I want to do an overhaul of this blog - I need to get away from the thin/fat. I'm perpetuating it. I call myself fat/worthless 200000x more often then anyone else does.

Of course, I still went through ED, and I still have eating/body-image issues so expect further comment and perspective from that end of the table. I hope everyone can support me in this because turning this blog around is going to be tough and, of course, I will still be here to support everyone who is struggling with depression or eating disorders. Thank you all so much <3

[art: ~ beself deviantart]

Walking In Circles

@Kay: Of course I remember you :) Welcome back isn't the most appropriate statement to use, but the sentiment is there!

@SmallerStill: Cheesey quotes are always good. Thanks!

@foreignobject: My family dynamic is extremely complicated. I'll try and write about it more... The easiest way to explain it is that, for me at least, I've always been the 2nd mother. The parents were gone a lot/ there were 4 toddlers running around at the same time and I was the oldest. I was type A from birth. So, I've felt "grown-up" and "responsible" since I was like 10. Now that my brothers are a little bit older, they don't see me as a sister or a "friend" at all - I'm their mother. And I feel the same way about them - and not in a particularly protective way - in a do-your-chores-stop-being-mean kind of way. My mom was always there to offer love to us, but I was the one who made sure the kitchen was cleaned and the laundry was done. As for my dad, well, that's another long story. Another time.

Anyways. I'm doing some hard-core emotional rollercoastering lately. On Tuesday I was so upset that people actually started worrying and asking about it (which is a feat for me and my mask of perfection). The pressure of my grades, my commitments... the fact that the year is drawing to a close and I haven't accomplished anything real and the fact that I started my period and was bloated/craving all to hell. I refused to wear anything by a super-baggy shirt and kept looking down at the excess fabric, and I kept convincing myself it was fat... anyways. I have gained in the past while - about 5ilbs. I do attribute most of that to the week of my grandparents being here and my mom not being here. You can't say no to them... and then I was PMSing and... it's all bad.

But on Monday I went to the gym... and I have plans to exercise tomorrow and Friday. Part of my issue is that I have no motivation besides emotion. I used to walk every night for like an hour or so, so by the time I got home I had centered myself and could focus on work and resist food. But ever since September, grade 12 hit me like a pile of bricks and I feel like I can't spare the time. But I need to start.

So, yesterday was terrible. Today wasn't great either, but I bought food at school despite forgetting lunch and having a perfectly good reason to skip a meal. I bought a calorie-laden coffee concoction after school on my way to a meeting just because.

And thinking back... I am not OK with it - but at the same time I'm not feeling anything bad about it. Today. I know I've started using food as a coping mechanism... scratch that, I'm just using it more as a coping mechanism... and I'm using school as an excuse. I don't want to skip any meals because I won't be able to focus - and I'm screwed enough in my subjects as it is.

I'm neutral right now... and as such, I am not going anywhere. We'll see how long that lasts. I don't want to fall back into the constant depressive cycle of active ED behaviour and destructive behaviour like before... but, hell, I do want to find somewhere in between.

Thanks everyone :)

I woke up feeling a little better this morning - in a terrible, mean way. Here's the story: When I went to bed last night I noticed that my brother (the next youngest, the one who fights with my dad, smokes pot and steals/lies constantly) had snuck out. Long story short, he'd locked himself out and ended up having to ring the doorbell to get back in and my grandparents (who are here now). There was a lot of swearing, and there was a lot of him proclaiming he was "fucking sorry".

Anyways, he's in deep shit. And he knows it. So... point of this wonderful family heartwarmer is that I feel asleep listening to him cry and mumble and throw things in his room. I'm caught because he's lied all his life. He does anything he wants and the entire family is devoted to appeasing him so that my dad/mom don't have to deal with his shit. We've spent 30K plus on trying to "fix" him - therapy, tutors, coaches etc. My parents would forget about picking us up because they were fighting with him.

So do I believe him when he apologizes? No. Do I revel in his groundings? Yup. So, I'm sitting there, thinking about the differences between myself and my brother, how we've each developped our own "issues" and I just ended up crying and crying all night. Irrational exhaustion was certainly apart of it, but another part was that I sit there and I look down on him even though we're really in the same spot. Our only difference is that my parents know and recognize his issues because he's not smart enough to hide them.

Anyways, I woke up to a huge grandparent-esque breakfast. Been eating, baking and sitting all day... I don't know. I don't feel bad about it today. I'm just... yup, I'm a pig. Gotta live with it. That'll change tomorrow, or the next day I am sure. Just having a swing day.

This week is going to be insane crazy busy... so I'm sure that by the time we hit Tuesday, I will be done. This week is going to go by so quickly. I want to... I don't know. I want to accomplish something with my life - the bigger picture. Actually, hilariously enough, in my half asleep daze, I considered turning my brother in the the school counselor and being all bo-ho he's a drug addict and I'm his caring, perfect sister. Hahahahahaha

I'm such a bitch.

I can't tell you all how many times I have opened up this page in the last week. Tonight is the first time I've gone far enough to actually click "new post". I don't know why I have been avoiding it... I honestly don't know.

It's been a hard week. I mean, looking back, outwardly, I was OK. Save for Friday when I couldn't even pretend anymore, my week seemed decently OK. Everything was OK. It's always OK.

Meanwhile... I don't know. Every day I woke up feeling fat. I had dumb, vivid dreams of random meetings and occasions - meaning I didn't really sleep and that never helps. Everyday I made resolutions to fast or exercise. Every day I didn't. I failed (below 85) a few tests... my entire last math unit. I don't understand my classes. I feel utterly trapped in my own inadequacies. On Friday, in my tech class, I blanked for a second. I was so upset - so suddenly too. I walked out of class, walked under the theatre and spent a good five minutes slashing at my wrists with blunt, stage paint encrusted fingernails... And then I came back into class and no one even noticed.

No one ever notices.

I nearly considered jumping out infront of a car tonight. Messy. And, even now, I don't regret it. My life isn't that hard. Why am I so dramatic. I need to pull it together, I'm falling apart.

I'll write more tomorrow, I promise. I actually do. Sorry.

Surprise, Surprise

Dot and Ana's Girl... like seriously, what would I do without you guys :) [also, pic sans makeup. deal with it]

I just got home from my best girl-friend's (the one whom I told kinda sorta about this and my general issues with my body etc) 18th birthday party. Now, I knew that the night would involve snacks, pizza, lots of high-calorie alcoholic drinks and cake. I excused the night because I didn't want to be a downah for my friend etc etc, so THAT doesn't matter.

It was fun overall. I had an amazingly fun night (despite the guy who tossed his cookies whilst proclaiming is sobriety). The bad? My friend was trying to hook me up with her random friend Eric who was delicious. Yeah. He ended up making out with the same girl Z. is in love with.

Ouch.

(I'm getting over him, but still... story of my life). And by the end of the night, the 5 remaining people were two couples and me. Again, story of my life. So, that along with a belly full of shit and, admittedly, an extremely inebriated me was a recipe for sadface.

Yeah, I was so wasted. Love it. Good thing about that was pretty early on I reached the about-to-vomit point so I didn't eat anything until breakfast this morning (a reasonable portion of oatmeal). And, no hangover so yay.

Another of my friends encountered heartbreak last night, so I have work for a few hours then damage control. I remember thinking last night, even while I was drunk, that I wanted to make it through the next three days sans binging. So, that's my goal for now and we'll go from there. My next step in figuring out this next semester is trying to incorporate the gym into my schedule.

Also, no drowning my sorrows in chocolate tomorrow. As a perpetual single-lady, I hate Valentines Day. Thanks, Hallmark. Yes, I know I'm single. No, I don't have a date. Thank you.

Hope everyone is doing well... and if you DO have a significant other, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY. If you're not cynical like me... I guess enjoy the day too ;P

[Edit: Fmylife. I just had the worst effing night at work in my entire life. I didn't binge, though I ate more that I should have. I'd almost made it through the day under 1000. Makes me wonder if I really freaking tried, if I wasn't such a lameass, then I could get skinny again. Then I could feel... better about myself again. Damn it, what is stopping me? Ugh. UGH. Why why why did everything just have to explode. Tomorrow is going to hurt all day - Valentines Event at work. So dumb. Why do I put everything on MEN. Men are dumbasses, dicks. Why must everything rely on how they, how my friends, how my coworkers see me. Why can't I see me and fucking live with myself regardless of how pathetic my reflection is? Yet, even though I can't live with my reflection, I can't bring myself to change it. Too scared of getting glass in my hand.]

Elitist/Masochistic?

New followers :)
<3 <3 <3 <3

I've been terrified to post. This is due to the fact that... lately... besides some admitted stress-induced, high calorie indulgences... I've been good. The first week back and this week too have really kicked my ass. I've worked a ton, I've hung out a ton with friends, I've excerised, I've done homework, I've studied, I've convinced myself that, for me, not knowing what I want to do with my life IS the BEST thing... basically, I've been a) too busy to actually spend time wallowing in negativity and b) ...happy (dare I say).

Sure, it's hard. I've had a few school/ocd/food related crying-breakdowns. But, that's ok, right? Emotion is ok? If pain is what is real... if it is what it takes to feel, then that's the price we pay, right? Part of me is satisfied with this... wanting to convince the rest of me that - hey, life is OK! But "happiness" makes me hyper self-aware. I'm realising a pattern. Despite general moodswings and some motivation to be content... I honestly think a real reason behind my continued plateau of contentedness is the fact that everyone else's life is crumbling around me.

One of my friends just finally left her abusive household.
Her boyfriend is failing because he doesn't sleep because he's so worried about her.
Another friend confessed her OCD and body issues (wow now) related to her not being the Asian stereotype (she's gorgeous, just not stick-thin, JPOP princess-genius, anime lover).
Another friend is having surgery.
Another's mother is starting chemo.

So, really, what am I complaining about? It makes me wonder if I am secretly elitist. My life is ALWAYS going to be worse than yours, and, well, if it isn't, I am going to be HAPPIER. Or if, by making this realisation, that I am completely masochistic because I can't even appreciate my own good perception on the present.

Hm. For now, anyways, things are good. I've been scared to post because of my good mood and because I have been getting bigger... muscle wise. Which, I know, will pay off at some point. But, right now, I'm just bloated (it looks) because I've been working my abs/thighs/arms. My arms are so THICK because the layer of fat didn't go before the muscle came back. D:

Valentines day is coming up, so we'll see how long this actually lasts. I really really really want to do the bitch-thing and just tell Z I like him because his snide remarks kill me inside. Then again, how many times have I (in jest and in the moment) told him I love him? Too many. Mrrrrg.

I'm a terrible community member, but I love you all. Promise :)

Anxiety > Binging

Trying to explain/justify why I haven't posted in a week would be a waste of your time and mine.

In general, there was no reason - just busy. Sometimes there was a reason - nothing new. I'm in a foul mood at the moment due to how terrified and frustrated I am with school and the prospect of post secondary. Today marked DAY ONE of the last semester of obligatory school in my life. Tonight marked 4hrs of looking at homework papers and questions, crying and having no idea how to go on with my life (or, the thought crosses my mind, if I should).

The tightness of major anxiety is back in my chest, and I don't like it. It's too early for that shit. Too freaking early in the semester. In the week! University is ravaging my soul (yes, it is supposed to be that dramatic) and I'm so insanely terrified of making the "wrong" decision. Even if, at this point, there is no "wrong" choice. People keep telling me to "go with my gut feeling". A) I am. My gut is effing confused. B) My intuition has a long, long history of sucking major hairy balls.

Ugh.

Plus side is that I am so focused on my anxiety that my binge urges are being suppressed. They're still there... just below the surface. But, someone in me is yelling: IF YOU BINGE YOU'LL WASTE TIME AND YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

I feel like such an idiot. My chem class has an entering average of 82. I had an 88 coming into the class. That's an outstanding mark, and with these people - it's average. I spent 4hrs doing 15questions of review. Shit I should know, but don't. So frustrated with myself. I can't screw up. I need this course. I need it to go to university. GOD why did I take electives that aren't worth anything? I have no wiggle room at all.

Moreover, my goals of 14Day Challenge.... were not met. Any of them. Perhaps the music one was, but that hardly counts. It's like: OK, lets look at everything you can possibly succeed at in the last month...well, you failed that... and that... and that... and that...etc.

I know I'm being overly dramatic, so my apologies for the "my-life-is-harder-than-yours" preach. Because it's not. People do this and do it successfully with boyfriends and stick-thin bodies and a social life and scholarships. Boo-hoo me. I suck. What the fuck now.

Picture is a fitting goodbye to a failed challenge. Sad, demon eyes of a girl too consumed with herself to be any good. To whenever I write next, <3