Find Me Somebody to Love

Hey all :) Firstly, I haven't thanked my commenters and readers in ever. We all know how much comments/followers mean. You guys help me out so much. <3

The day went OK overall. I got my interm report card, average is 87. I was disappointed, but I feel myself picking up speed in school so I'm hoping that's a low estimate. Throughout the day I went through the usual rollercoaster of hate vs ____(whatever this is), frustration vs calmness, happy and depressed.

I kept intake under 1,300 - which is good in general, but not so good in that I wanted to keep it under 500 and I packed 300 worth of food for the day. I can't even really explain why I bought more food, or why I came home and had leftovers even after I spent my entire shift beating myself up for buying 3timbits and a 70-cal soup. Part of it, I think, was that half way through the day (only 50cals of pomegranate , YUM) I was walking up the stairs to grab a notebook and I nearly passed out.

How pathetic is that? One day of deficiency, exercise and will-power and my body revolts. My vision blurred, my legs seized, my heart was pounding. Ugh. I was so disgusted by that. But, at the same time, I knew I had so-so many hours left to my day - so I ate my "lunch" to up the blood sugar a bit. There, I think, is where I lost it.

Tomorrow I work 8hrs, then I was supposed to go to a birthday party. The party would constitute a night of rollerblading, pizza, cheesecake and the birthday girl's favorite - creampuffs. I had every intention to go. Before I knew it, I had texted her and said I couldn't come due to homework and the fact that I work all weekend. This is all true, but... socialize vs, well, gym and library? Right now... I'm choosing the gym.

Yesterday I ran .5miles (after 35mins on elliptical). Ok, wow, right? /sarcasm. Most of you can go for like 10miles. I can not... YET. I want to, by Christmas, be able to run 5miles. I have big plans for cleaning, studying, working out, restricting and permitting all weekend. Next weekend is halloween (two parties!) and more work, so this is a weekend to myself.

Speaking of which, any genius not-to-tight-but-hot halloween costume ideas?

{p.s I'm reading Wintergirls right now. I was, a few months ago, 84th on the holds list for the entire city. The 84th person identifying with this book. makes me feel less alone. I'm going to write a little support sticky when I send it back to the library. It's a thinspo book - we know where it's going ;) }

Deficiant

I did really good today. The long and short in/out is :

1 Lg Coffee - Approx 100cals (it was mostly black coffee, but a little french vanilla cappuccino. Vast over-estimation, but better safe then sorry).
Granola bar- 130cals
Veggie soup - 150cals
1 small chicken thigh - 70ish cals
=450 cals.

30mins elliptical (-) 300cals
20mins treadmill (-) 100cals
30mins walk (-) 150cals
15mins weights + stretching - don't count.
=550 cals

Deficient = 100ish.

That's so epically happy making. Maybe it's just the endorphins from exercise. I'm exhausted now, though. Feeling a little better about life in general... now. Again, I'm blaming the endorphins which is both good and bad. I know the happiness and careless pep is all false hormones. It's not how I really feel.

I'm sorry this is so incoherent, I can't even keep my eyes open right now. Didn't clean or do homework... I did work out and restrict. I guess a neutral day? Wow, my mind is so gone! Thank GOD tomorrow is Friday.

Mom is going on a rage, I think she's out of her happy pills. Ugh, I'm so beyond caring right now. So beyond it.

Suicide Notes

It's been a rough few days. Yesterday, actually, went really really well as far as the eating and exercise is concerned. Probably ate about 600 cals, max, and really restricted nicely on what I ate. But, then again, I napped from 4-6:30, then got up, stared a the cieling, talked about depression with a friend, then slept from 8:00-6:30am this morning. I woke up feeling... really good! Invigorated, ready, motivated... a way I haven't felt in a very, very long time.

It didn't last long though. I started thinking - about what, I honestly couldn't tell you - but I stepped out of the shower and just thought to myself, Why bother? Why bother getting dressed, eating or not eating, worrying about homework, bringing a camera for the field trip or looking good for the volunteer photoshoot? To what point or purpose will the effort I put in right now, this very morning, matter in the long run?

So, I had a big breakfast, caring less than a tiger cares about a beaver, and did a 50% effort on making myself look decent. Then... at school (in Bio, rather, as it was my only class) a Teacher Appreciation cart came around and my bio teacher, god love him, picked off several cookies for those passing the class with about a 70% (i'm at 93%). The cookies were MASSIVE and coated with buttery icing. Everything in me screamed, "NO, FATTY!" but I still ate it graciously, joking even about how it was all going to my thighs. Truth hurts.

My english AP class took a field trip to see 7 Stories for the rest of the day. It was basically an absurd one-act play about a man standing on a ledge on the 7th floor contemplating suicide. The first 2/3 were comedic in nature... the play was a comedy after all... but the last bit was very poignant. It was one of those times where you could totally tell who in the audience had experienced suicide or suicidal thoughts and who hadn't. Some laughed when the Man explained his seemingly delusional issues with his monotonous life, and how is mood had been provoked by an epitome he had in his sleep about the worthlessness of life. Funny? Don't think so.

Worst part was... I couldn't keep my eyes open. Albeit, it wasn't a visually dynamic play, I still felt bad having to listen to 80% of it. I am so exhausted, even though I slept for so long. I know, when you over sleep you react like this... For some reason, even with something as natural as sleeping, I can't seem to find a balance.

After the play, we went for lunch. I have been skipping lunch for the past...3 weeks?... dreded the thought of being forced to sit down and eat, especially because my ever-perceptive English teacher was right there (she's always noticed when I'm at my lowest, even when my friends haven't the slightest clue). So, I made myself a lovely, 120cal spinach/carrot salad which I ate happily in the corner of A&W. Ok, so, that kind of makes up for the cookie and breakfast right? Wrong.

We spent the lunch talking first about symbolism, then about suicide, then about calories and fat and food! I swear, every girl in my class can eat however much god damn food she wants and never gain weight. Oh! I just HAVE to eat something every hour, or else I faint! Oh, snap! I just had a burger, but that poutine looks sooo good! I'm going to order one! HAHA wow, these fries are delicious. Anyone want some fudge? Fuck yooou. Im sorry, it's pure jealousy...

Anyways, for some reason, after that I got really upset. I have a meeting soon downtown anyways, so I was allowed to abandon the group and go to the library instead of backtracking. That is where I am writing this, it is also why I am going on so long, I apologize. I walked in to the library and BAM starbucks. It wasn't until I was up on the computer, brownie in hand and half eatten, that I even realised I really had it. Ugh, stupid stupid stupid. Good bye 140ilbs. I'm supposed to meet friends for a pre-meeting dinner too, then go home to actual dinner (which is where my mom is watching me like a freakin' hawk).

I found this book called "Suicide Notes" by Michael Thomas Ford in the YA section while I was waiting. The theme is pronounced today, isn't it? This passage is exactly how I am feeling: "...but my mind was racing racing racing. Only I wasn't thinking about anything in specific. It was just this stream of words and half thoughts, like there were a thousand different channels in my brain and someone was flicking through them all." Again, another grey area. I can't focus, I'm always tired, yet I'm constantly thinking and organizing and resting.

I was talking last night, as I said, with a friend who is going through a low-moment in his clinical depression. He was talking about how is weight and appereance had deprived him of many points of teenage-hood that made it worth the trouble. I didn't know what to say. "Oh, I totally know what you mean!" ? No. Of course not. That is where I draw a line. I guess it's why I have such an issue with my own "depression" or "eating disorder" or whatever you want to call it - my angst. I have no reason. He is diabetic and has major eczema scales all over. He isn't fat and flaking due to choice, it's his DNA. People can see that. People shy from that. I, however, have no such visible problem. I'm great at putting on the mask everyone wants to see. So, why have I never been kissed, or even hugged out of affection from a guy my age? Why have only women taken a liking to me? Why does everyone forget I am there? Why do people make excuses so they don't have to be around me?

Sorry for the rant - I have to go meet people for my... 4th meal of the day. Lovely. I'm so going to the gym tomorrow.

Touch 'n feel

Hey guys. Lots to catch up on. I can't excuse my failure to post. My only excuse is my new picture store from a recent photowalk :) Enjoy!

So, firstly, on Sunday I was supposed to meet Ata (cute boy) for coffee. He didn't show. At first, I was hurt, then I didn't care. Story of my life, right? Then, I, somehow, mustered the logic to think and realise he isn't the kind of person to just ditch - he's never late for work, nor does he leave early or take extra long breaks. Turns out his parents thought he had H1N1 so he was in a clinic all day. He's fine, but he didn't have his phone. So, there is still promise there - maybe. I'm trying not to hang to many hopes on it because it's so unknown and I'm so easily crushed.

I've started restricting again - both without noticing and purposefully. I'm down to just under 140 me thinks, which is good, but I feel really fat still because I've been sedentary for months. I'd even be ok gaining a few if it meant losing a few inches off the thighs and tummy (which it will). I am gonna go to the gym tomorrow, and hopefully Thursday, Sat, and Sun. We'll see, but I'm really feeling the need to look good.

I'm pretty sure the kick has to do with the fact that I am actually fat now. It isn't just delusions or obsessions or imperfections - I am fatty. It helps - as crazy as it sounds. You can say you're on a diet and people don't look twice. It's a relief.

Not doing any better on the homework/getting things done front. Pulled an all nighter last night to finish an assignment, and I'm suspecting I will lie to my teacher tomorrow and do an assignment during my spare even though it's due in class. Oh well. I'm not proud, but it doesn't raise my heart rate to lie. Which is pathetic, I know.

One of the pros of my day: I went in to paint sets for the first time all year. I'd forgotten how much I missed my fellow theatre geeks and their crazy attitude and carelessness. Needless to say, I came home contently covered in black paint!

I promise I'll have something more interesting to talk about tomorrow. For now, stay strong all <3

Depression

I had a party to go to tonight. Things to do. Homework to finish. Applications to do. Things to clean. Weight to lose.

But I didn't.

Fuck.

Haze

Hey guys,

So, sorry I haven't been updating. I've been... avoiding the computer. I don't know why, but I've just been coming home, turning off my ipod, my cellphone and lazing in front of the tv or walking. Exciting right? I'm trying to re-enter the world of the living, so bear with me.

Anyways, fasting yesterday failed. Not because I lost control but because my body decided to hate me. I swear to god, once it hit lunch time (I can skip breakfast easy peasy) my body went: "WTF BITCH FEED ME RAWR" and I experienced... like menstrual cramps, but 1000x worse and through my entire torso. I don't EVER react in public to physical pain. I was almost crying. Anyways, after a struggled-through meeting I went home and contemplated, had a hot shower, downed advil then decided, you know what, obviously this isn't right right now. So, c'est la vie, I'll try again soon.

Yesterday was also bad simply because it was, you know, first day back after a long weekend. I was totally in a haze and all the sudden everything seemed to be due and new and entirely incomprehensible.

I did, however, have a good day today. Ironically enough, it started off being so good because it was a rare foggy day (weather wise)! I love fog. Anyways. Eating was normal, I was feeling faint and dizzy in Social right before lunch and decided I'd buy a turkey wrap (ate only half) to keep the blood sugar pumping. On the plus side, I made this massive pot of low cal turkey veggie soup that I will sustain myself on for at least tomorrow - YAY! Haven't weighed today, I woke up late and had to rush out.

Um... what else? OH, cute boy at work asked me to "chill" this weekend. We're not sure what that means, but... eh. I don't know him really, but he seems nice and interesting... and he's pretty. I think one of the things he's said to me, one of the things I really remember, is we were talking about celebs and their obsession with plastic surgery and diet (LOL, awkward much) and he just looked at me and said, "No one is perfect, right? It's boring if they are."

So... we can see where my inner conflict with him is. We'll just see I guess.... exciting though. I have to stop myself from expecting too much though...

OH - in other actually related news - 3times a year my parents do the Wild Rose Herbal Cleanse and I've gone along with them as support (cheating often, but SH). Thier post-Thanksgiving one is starting soon and I'm old enough, not only to take the pills/meds, but to have the will power to stick to the diet... This might be what I need to get in control again. Not to mention the fact that my parents will be approving... I won't have to pop pills behind their backs or scrape the potato of my plate while they aren't looking or chew-and-spit pizza. Kind of excited, apparently because the meds act as natural diuretics/lazatives (that's the CLEANSE part) there is virtually no way to not lose weight. It's a two week program.

Stoked.

For all the wrong reasons D=

[EDIT] I just realised how often I switched between "I" and "we" this post... developing multiple personality disorder maybe? Fun. Oi.

Gaining motivation

Ever had one of those days where you wake up totally exhausted, but jittery to get things done? That's me right now. I think it was because I dreamed of school and homework and university...

I don't have much interesting to say here, besides the fact that yesterday I was down at 140 again - which is good, even though I don't feel like 140, it was a happy moment. I've started exercising again, thank god.

I was actually pretty dang proud of myself yesterday. Calorie intake was at normal human being level, but I didn't binge once, nor did I go all-out on Turkey and Thanksgiving carbs. Even avoided the awful cheese sauce :)

Next step, Halloween. oh god.

So, now, I am going to start the mountain of homework I haven't touched in my 4 days off. It should be... interesting. I'm also going shopping today, which will be frightening because I certainly don't feel my prime. Maybe I'll focus on shoes. [EDIT - Avoided shopping due to post-nekkid viewing of myself induced panic attack. Yay. More time for homework. ]

Anyways, hope everyone has a good Tuesday. I'm considering fasting tomorrow... anyone want to join me?