Anchor

I check everyone's blogs every day.
I can't blog myself because I haven't made any progress. Even I am tired of typing the same things: I need to get in control, I binged, I feel like shit.
I'm tired of typing "I'm tired of this".
I'm tired of typing "I wish".

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.
I'll go through 3 stages:
1) Being pissed of at all the food and having to sit down and eat it with the family I can't stand.
2) Not caring.
3) Hating.

Or it'll be different.
Who knows.

Firstly, thanks everyone for your support over these last few days. I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me complain and wail and whine about things everyone of you goes through - and still you come out on top. So, sorry... I'm trying. <3 I did not buy a coffee or bar, I bought some 0cal gum, btw. Small victory?

I also haven't binged on actual food today, which is amazing considering this week. My mom did, however, buy like 20thousand packets of Skinny Cappucinos and Mocha Lattees and French Vanilla drink powder. Max is 70cals each. So, I might smuggle a few away and use them to quell my home-alone-provoked binges this weekend.

In fact, if nothing else, I want to have control over my eating for Thanksgiving. Even if I eat "normal amounts of food" (what is normal anymore? My normal is 1000-1300, the internet tells me 2000-2200 is normal), that's fine because I WILL get to the gym at least 3 times. I've been so sedentary lately, and I know working out helps me control eating blah blah blah.

Anyways. I'm going out for an sudo-intervention breakfast with a friend who hasn't been to school in 3 weeks. Major depression and anxiety issues. Why, oh why, does it have to be done at Denny's? The most fattening, greasy place on earth? Ugh. They don't have nutritional info available so I can't even figure out what I'm going to order. I figure eggs is safest, but I don't know. That should be "fun", regardless. Then, I'm going shopping - yes food, then shopping. I think I'll stick to shoes/coats/chunky sweaters. I mean, if I find things I feel good in when I'm at my worst, then when I'm at my best I'll feel fantastic, right?

I've been thinking about this year, and realizing that, among other things, I am going to graduate this year. In a few months, I will attend the banquet in a lovely dress, hopefully (though it's a long shot) with a handsome date and be thin and beautiful and stunning like the thinspo girl of the day. I need to commit to this again. Last week I was so focused. What on earth happened? Lack of sleep is a significant factor, I'm sure. So, I am off. Wish me luck tomorrow.

OH - the worst part is the two people I'm going with are both TEENY TINY. One boy with a man-metabolism, anti-depressants and a mommy-complex when it comes to food (i.e if his mom doesn't pack his lunch, make breakfast or dinner for him, he doesn't eat). And the girl, the one with major depression, has a man-metabolism coupled with the fact that if she gets out of bed to eat at some point in the day that's a break through. And then there is me, with my 88% average and pristine mask of level-headedness, my sensitivity and compassion, my friends and connections, and my massive thighs busting out of my size 9s.

Life is so fucking unfair.

I will not walk over to Petro and buy coffee and a bar.

I will not by pop or candy or chocolate.

I will not lie and say I need the energy.

I will not eat anything else fatty or sugary today.

I will not.

I will not.

I will not.

Wtf.

How is it even possible that I still weight 140?

Oright.

It's all fat now.

Epitome of a terrible day

I woke up with the intense knowledge of how little I got done yesterday. I sulked through the morning preparations with carelessness and a ridiculous appetite.

I'm pretty sure I failed my biology final. I either did decent or passed. I wasn't sure about anything.

My social in-class essay went alright, I felt like I had a decent grasp on it. But, again, I'm not sure.

During my spare, I went in to talk to my English teacher because I was still, the period before hand, drawing a blank of how to approach the in-class essay and what to do with it. At this point, I am beyond frustrated with myself and my idiocy. I kept asking, "why can't I get this?"!!! She tried to help. She really, really did. I ended up having to give the excuse, "My brain isn't all here" which led to the question, "are you okay?" No. Ms. K, I'm not ok. I can't focus on this essay because I'm too preoccupied with the fact that last night I searched "how to kill yourself without pain" on google and stared intently at a full bottle of advil for a good 30mins. I'm too mad that, despite eating a full breakfast and lunch, I accepted my friends unwanted chocolate bar at lunch, and that I know I will binge tonight. I'm not okay.

I hesitated. Not long enough to make her curious, I hope. I threw out some lame excuse and tried to focus. It didn't work. The bell rang with a blank sheet of paper. I made my way up to the library where I spent 30mins staring at a blank word document, then started typing. Now, I honestly can say I have no idea what I said. I seriously considered writing a letter to her instead, but I know I put something related to the topic. I also know it probably would merit a C. Max. I handed it in with the promise that I'd do better next time, and the wish that I could.

A day full of failure.

Then, I went to work where it was painfully slow - so I had more time to ponder my cuts and my tears and drown everything in a pack of chips. I didn't come to any conclusions other than: Well, it can't get any worse. It's not just irrational weight and irrational fears of failure. It is actual over-eating of fatty junk and true failure.

If I could, tomorrow, I would stay in bed all day. I would not answer a text or an email. I would just stay. Ignore the world. Fast. Hate myself. Get up the next day with renewed need and belief. But I don't have the time or ability to do that.

Remember that girlfriend I had dinner with last week? I told her a lot of stuff about my life. I'm painting sets with her tomorrow and I'm scared something will come out. I don't want anyone worrying about me. I don't want anyone to categorize me. I don't want the label "ED" or "Obsessed" or "Despressed" attached to me along with every other stupid label I have.

A long string of hateful names

[EDIT] It's been an hour since I posted this. I can't stop crying.

Today was one of those days when I woke up and my first thought was: Today is going to suck.

And, well, your life is what you make of it. I'm so frustrated right now, I can't even focus. Frustrated with myself for being so negative and for losing that optimism and strength I had since Wednesday in regards to myself and how I see myself. I haven't thought: You're useless, a failure, a fat, stupid, idiot - since Wednesday. Well, I hadn't. I'm mad that I couldn't fight it. That I couldn't say, you know what? fuck you. I will have an amazing day!

It was everything. I woke up with 4 major pimple/breakouts. Ok, so I'll look like shit. Then, I remembered that I had an inclass essay... that I forgot about and didn't prepare for. Fuck, i'm an idiot. I'm going to fail. I need something carby. I couldn't focus in Bio and study for my test tomorrow. Wow, I'm stupid. I need food. Today's a shit show anyways, may as well fuck it up more and have grilled fucking cheese. All or nothing, right. Social - friends hate me. Lovely. Behind in work. English essay got moved to tomorrow. Good thing because what I was going to write about the teacher called "elementary and redundant". Lovely.

So, now, it's 9:00 oclock and do I have my essay outline? No. How about my PRT outline? Nope. C'mon I must have had the motivation to study for the uber-important unit exam! No sireebob.

I ate like a fucking pig. I didn't do anything. I was proved, twice, to be an idiot. I can't stop hating the fact that I even feel like this. I can't move past the hate to attack what's causing it. And it's not like I can walk in to class tomorrow and say: "Yo, sorry, I was depressed and suicidal last night - I couldn't prepare. Can I write it tomorrow?"

In writing suicidal, I realise that's actually how I feel right now. And that's so entirely stupid and pathetic and disgusting. How many people would I hurt? How could I do that to everyone?! But, oh, death... silence, that release... is so so so appealing right now. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up...

Never have to deal with food, or marks, or tests, or essays, or boys, or friends, or pain, or hate, or lies, or university, or money, or my future ever again. Just have everything stop. Stop spinning and stop hurting and stop chipping away at me... just stop. Just stop. The bliss of the silence and stability and isolation is so so beautiful.

All day I kept thinking to myself, "Please... please.... don't." Don't what? Who am I pleading to? Cutting won't help, because it can't hurt enough. No, no it can't. I'm so done right now. Just plain old done. Walk away. Give up.

I don't have any strength left. and I don't know why. I haven't wanted to die this badly for a long, long time. I don't want the depression back... not without Ana. She's not coming back.

Updatte

I can't believe I haven't updated since Wednesday; I am sorry. It's not even that much has happened... well actually, I guess things have. I'll take it day by day, and I only have 5 mins so just the run down.

Thursday: 140-ish, eating = 600-800cals
Lovely day, father ruined it. Work was painfully slow.

Friday: 140-ish, eating = 1300-1500cals
Shitty day at school, then went out for a girls night/dinner with a friend and talked for hours. Spilled my guts about school, family, friends, (not ed)... she made a comment about how she's amazed I haven't started cutting my wrists over not being about to tell anyone about anything. I felt terrible.

Saturday: 143-ish, eating = don't even want to think about it.
MORE ON THIS TOMORROW. Had a volunteer excursion out at a YMCA day camp. Went on the 60ft human swing. Twice.

Today: Didn't even look or keep track or care.
I'm PMSy. Craving shit. Slept like 13hrs, then went to work where it was INSANELY busy. Exhausted.

Caught up? Haha. <3