Saturday, June 5, 2010

Alone

I know I only come here when I'm feeling bad. But that's because I've restructured my coping. It used to be that I blogged after binging, restricting or cutting... almost as a punishment - admitting it. I blog now when I feel like doing those things. So, it's justified, right? Does it need justification...

I'm registering for classes at university tomorrow and I'm feeling so depressed. For no reason. Is it because I'm realising now how I have no clue what I'm going to do with my life? Or because I'm beginning to get scared about next year? Or maybe I'm just feeling the effects of my graduation ceremony yesterday... Or I've finally given up.

Tonight is the first night in a while that I've just been sitting in my room thinking... I could end it, right now.

In a long while. It's kind of scary, but not at the same time. What's more scary is that the thought came to me so easily, effortlessly and without much provocation. I'm feeling really alone in the world, as per usual, but nothing else has really pushed me over. I legitimately, and, I lied, this is the scariest part... I have no idea why I'm so upset tonight.

I've stopped eating breakfast - because I've been nauseous in the mornings, sometimes skimping on lunch. I've lost 5ilbs... and I don't know why. I have to remind myself to eat - but I don't feel guilty about it, so I'm not sure how ED related it is. It's so weird. I'm confused.

I have 3 days left in my bubble. 3 days until my world bursts and I am released into semi-functional adulthood. Alone.

And, besides feeling alone (though not surprised by the fact), I feel nothing.

This has stopped me from cutting tonight :)

2 comments:

Ana's Girl said...

Anything that keeps you from cutting is good... but i do hope you feel better soon, sweetie.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell said...

Hey, just wanted to say reading through your blog, you're absolutely not alone and I was having a million deja vu moments reading some of the things you said.

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